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Nirvana (Rhyme Pattern Workshop)

Come rest by this cheerful creek,
release your worries, let them flow
downstream where the ripples slow,
your suffering and haunting cares relieved,
your meandering, gentle peace reprieved.

Join me here, but do not speak,
still your breathing, close your eyes,
consider the water, zen and wise
while traveling mountaintop to beck,
the endless trail of its ageless trek.

Accept the benevolence of the breeze
cascading downward through canopies
of cypress, redwood, pine, and spruce,
the shade overflowing, the earth so profuse
that heaven above wanes, silent and meek.


abbcc, addee, ffgga

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
The last stanza rhyme pattern is simply reversed from the other two. I found no proper name or description for this pattern - it just skipped its way across my page. L
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content


that line has an extra bump in the road. :) I like "afoot" and may use it!
Thank you, Alan!

author comment

Hello Lavender,
How splendid, a poem about the joys of nature. With nice rhyming and lovely imagery.

The last line is a bit too wordy for me - keep it simple. But I love the rest of that last verse.


I'll think over trimming that line down a bit.
Thank you!

author comment

poetry is not any one's personal domain
say what in your mind does remain
all poetry is mainly guffaw
its emotion not war
let your mind flow
let newer visions glow
let syllables flow down the lane
like bubbles some poets still abstain
from following any particular pattern
see me now holding my lovedly like baton
to delete my poemy do not ever me threaten

poems just come to some

Thank you for sharing!

author comment

This piece resounds that in those of us that are in turbulent times.

I would put the last line (S3L5) as the first line in that stanza. Just because “meek” seems to weaken the entire piece somewhat.

Thank you for posting this piece.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The workshop challenge was to use more than one pattern, so I chose to switch the last stanza. I do think you are correct and I'll look it over. I've recently had a bit more anxiety lately, and tried to soothe my soul a bit. Glad you enjoyed!
Thank you very much!

author comment

and find it very calming. My only suggestion is to remove the (-). Dashes feel abrupt to me and the essence of this poem is smooth flowing. I especially dislike it in the last stanza. The rhyme choice in those lines is great, helps you feel the flood of the abundance of nature and that dash just dams my flood!

Good suggestion which I will use!
Thank you very much!

author comment

The intention here was definitely to soothe. I agree - it was a wonderful workshop!
Thank you!

author comment

You stole the rhyme pattern I'm using for My poem.......well almost lol. Reversing the pattern is a subtle but effective change,
BUT with that change in pattern don't you think the last stanza should have more impact in messaging? Don't get me wrong as this is a very good poem as is ....just something for you to mull over

I wanted this to feel calming and serene, but I agree that the final stanza, or at least the final line, should be more effective. Lots of supportive suggestions from you and others which I will mull over.
Thanks so much for everything, Stan!

author comment
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