Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Night Tunes

Submitted by brittle light on Tue, 2012-10-30 22:41

night sings quietly
a song virtually heard

the whoosh of clouds
rushing through a spooky spot of darkness
dew squishing out of the cool thin air
the clippity clop of a running bug

hushed, lush tones of private wonder
vibrate a sympathetic cerebral harp
and I am adjoined in the symphony

rhapsodizing till dawn

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-10-31 07:29

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

Word choices like whoosh, spooky, squishing, clippity clop create a child-like air at first.

Then the rest is rich, deep verse, very adult. It's not a transition it's a dichotomy and it works well.

I rhapsodise with you. A gem of a piece. No crits, sorry.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Wed, 2012-10-31 10:06

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

‘the whoosh of clouds
rushing through a spooky spot of darkness ‘
- awesome

just a couple of things
a song virtually heard’ – it’s not really virtual is it, as it is literally heard
maybe
‘a subliminal song heard’ (and maybe even lose 'heard'?)
'night sings quietly
a subliminal song '

‘and I am adjoined in the symphony’ – ‘adjoined’ wrong word I think
‘and I am joined in the symphony’
‘and I float within the symphony’

love the idea of
‘rhapsodizing till dawn’

wonderful word usage al
I enjoyed this
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.