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Night Snow

Silently it falls,
And sometimes roars
On sweeping nights
When air is knives
And cold a living thing
But quietly now it falls
On sleeping prairies
Sacred in long slumber,
Remnants of a younger world
Where cynicism soon
Remembers emptiness
Of open treeless plain
And softness touches
Upturned face with wonder
As a gentle hiss of falling
Makes voiceless piled drifts
Made blue in shadow and silver
Rise up to kiss
The climbing freeze of pale moon
Trailing ragged clouds of darkness
And remnant storm.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Great to see you back. I think you should change the line "when air is knives" great image but gramatically its abit jerky (I mean it jerks) not sounds jerky. I hope you understand. I hope you'll be staying on the site a while. You're one of the good guys.

John

Thanks, it's good to be back.
I know what you mean about that line, I like the imagery, but not the way its put together. I'll have to think about it a bit.

Thanks again

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I loved the pace of this, it gives-and please don't get me wrong,the dull feeling of some cold nights when nothing can be done except watching the snow falling.
I don't know how much do you agree with me, but I thought the 'ands' and the 'buts'  need a bit of work on the first lines especially..

So I'd say

Silently it falls,
 sometimes roars    (omit the 'and')
 On sweeping nights
 When air is knives         (I like this line unlike john :) )
 And cold a living thing    (maybe 'when' instead of 'and')
 But quietly now it falls    (quietly falls)
 On sleeping prairies
 Sacred in long slumber, (do you need the comma?)
 Remnants of a younger world
 Where cynicism soon
Of open treeless plain
 And softness touches
 Upturned face with wonder
 As a gentle hiss of falling        (It stands without the 'as')
 Makes voiceless piled drifts
 Made blue in shadow and silver
 Rise up to kiss
 The climbing freeze of pale moon
 Trailing ragged clouds of darkness
 And remnant storm.

I hope you don't mind my thoughts as they remain only thoughts but of course the decision by the end is yours. I have already enjoyed.Thanks for sharing.

P.s I wonder why everyone is writing about snow. Has winter started yet? 

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I don't mind your thoughts at all, for they, in turn, have made me think!
When air is knives...you know I do like this image, but the English speaker in me rebels against the grammar. But, its poetry, and in the end, I think it has more impact the way it is, so I'll take your advice. and leave it be.

The 'ands" and 'buts".

I would normally agree with you, and aggressively edit them from the poem. However, I was striving for a certain sense of agreement and contrast in this piece, trying to intensify both imagery and the emotion I want it to invoke, and they help the cadence as well, for me, so I think I'll leave them as is. But I do see your point.

Thanks for your enjoyment, Rula, it is my own.

Regarding writing about snow: I cannot speak for others, but I am a northerner, and enjoy the cold and snow. After a long summer, I'm looking forward to the emptiness they bring by keeping others inside where its warm!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

the line "when air is knives" is what caught my complete interest and carried me through the poem. I like it as is.

Thanks,

Scott

Scott

Thank you for confirming what Rula has told me. I always try to have at least on memorable line, and for this poem, this line seems to be it!
Glad you enjoyed it so much.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

You are a little pre in your poem about Snow it is only September here I thought it was time zones that were different not snow zones lol Grand write, Yours Ian.T
PS:-
Soft crystals of winters coat
Newness as if born anew
Overlay of perfection seen
White covering children play

Yours, Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

LOL I wrote this last winter, trying to recapture the only poem that I lost when Neopoet crashed!
Glad you enjoyed it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Would have sworn I'd already commented on this. Guess tired brain just Thought it had lol. I second the motion about the "knives" line. Indeed I read it 3-4 times trying to come up with a better way to say it and came up blank. I also seem to be catching hints here and there of a secondary level of meaning but maybe I'm just too sleepy to nail it dowm. Regardless, I enjoyed reading this...................stan

Thanks for reading, and for confirming the "knives" line. I guess it is one of those poetic licenses that just happens to work!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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