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Nevermore

The devil is a dreamer
She comes in many a disguise
You'd know her if you saw her
Daughter of the Dead

Eyes filled with grief
Watery and blue
A colorless complexion
Transparent against a sunshine day

Daddy's Little Girl
Fanged fury of the night
By blood and bedroom
She was his princess, his queen
Took her innocence
Made her his muse

She'd lay down for him
But not for another
No one could compare once he'd gone
No one to fill the void he left

She took her rage and made them bow
Taken by her siren's voice
Sweet submissive at first glance
Pathetic waif
Little did they know....

Mistress, Seductress, Dominatrix, Baby Doll
She wore every title well
Whips and Chains
Swords and Knives
Toys of Death
Let the games begin
Survive if you can

Begging for mercy
They'd scream her name
NEVERMORE
Dragging them to their knees
Smiling at their suffering
Watching them writhe in pain
All before dumping them
In a shallow grave

And when it was over
Her reflection would appear
Washing the blood
From her ghostly white hands
Singing quietly to herself

Daddy had taught her well
From masochist to sadist
She heard his whisper
Professing his undying love for her
And how proud he was
Of his Never, ever, More

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
Nevermore is one of my muse's, the one who seems to surface the most. She is a victim and perpetrator all rolled into one. I have taken a lot of time in developing her and look forward to using her inspiration for future poems.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Big on rhymes due to the darkness of my writing. I will definitely look for alternative words as I agree with you..rhymes are too fairy tale and bubble gum for me. Do you have any suggestions that may work? I like the idea of doing a series. I love to story tell through my work. That workshop may be a good idea. Will look into it.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I will plug your suggestions in and work on stanza five to see what I can come up with. Will try to make changes in the next couple of days.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Another piece from your depth, That time between sleep and wake when you are just about to let go, it is a beautiful place as it just holds you pure.
Always remember that no matter what, no one can hurt you, it is the way they teach you.
If only there was a brush that could paint the whole world with the love that is there held sometimes in the pot of misery.
Lovely to see your write, Kelsey is a great teacher on poetry and your old friend Jess..
Jess is now a good example of how strong a person of logic can be when the mind is focused, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I tend to write best just before bed. I began this poem at work though. You know the moment you get an idea and have to write it down. You are right. People teach and mold you into what you are. Let me clairify I had a wonderful father..never abused me but I have been abused by men..my male peers and partners most of my adolesence and adult life. It was only in the last year I came to some important realizations but on the heals of that..came very emotionally charged writings. I look forward to more of your words of wisdom and consider myself fortunate to have you and kelsey amongst others helping me.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Just hold onto your Father and try to find those that know the meaning of love and a life of sharing.
There are many people out there, so you ask for help from that inner self, it will guide you to a good pathway, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

value my father dearly, both my parents really. The startling realization that once they are gone, I will be alone totally blows my mind. I have no siblings and by then my kids will more than likely be grown and have their own lives. I can't imagine not being able to pick up the phone, as I talk to my mom every day or just randomly stopping over to visit. Even though I know the day will eventually come, still scary none the less.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

that you are working hard. I kind of agree with those that are saying that the rhyming doesn't work. I'm sure you know that I am a big fan of rhyme and it is a hard thing for me to say. I do seem to be able to pull it off with my Killer work, but that doesn't mean that rhyme is for everyone. I am looking forward to that poem that you suggested the other night. I think that with you writing in a free-form manner and me doing rhyme, that it would differentiate between the Killer and the victim very well. ~ Gee

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Not big on rhyming so not even sure why it landed where it did...I will have to rework it. Do you have any suggestions that you may substitute? It took me quite a while to get the main idea just right...killed a lot of trees...lol....I am looking forward to our joint poem. What type of victim do you see killer interacting with so I can get into character and go from there.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

just get rid of the last line in the first verse.
The same with the last line in the second verse.
Delete the second to the last line in the 3d verse
and add [She] to the beginning of the last line.
In the 4th, I wouldn't worry about the almost rhyme
of gone and done.
In the 5th verse, again, delete the last line, but add [ ... ]
to the end after "Little did they know".

I was thinking that you might take the persona of a young woman who lures
men to their death by the promise of sex, but she has an accomplice waiting to murder him
for his money. Too late; she finds that her accomplice has been found and killed by Killer.
What do you think?
Love ya, Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
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Critique or comment today!

I can definitely get into character using Nevermore as an influence. So we have Killer, who has killed her accomplice, does this make the young woman Killer's next victim or is there a twisted attraction? two serial killers finding a mutual love for one another with the suspense of knowing they could turn on each other at any time? Just tossing some ideas around. Perhaps Killer looks into her eyes and cant bring himself to do the deed? Could be an interesting story/series..what do you think?

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

thanks for the suggestions on how to improve my poem. I am going to try yours and Beau's ideas as I think they both would work nicely. It may take me a few days between homework assignments and kids to get a final write up but hopefully by the end of the weekend it will be finished :) Love ya...LH

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Okay guys, I made a few quick changes. I eliminated some lines and changed a couple of words which I think make the poem sound better. I got rid of the rhymes as it really isn't my style. I am a much better free writer than rhymer. Feedback as always is appreciated. Thanks!

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

you have made and I think that with a little smoothing out, it will be a real grabber! You are doing a real good job of juggling all the things that you have going. Keep it up! Love ya, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

This has been fun to work on. I like creating characters as it is a relief to step outside of myself and be someone else for even a short time. I look forward to working with Nevermore as I go on. What suggestions do you have for smoothing it out?

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

This is an amazingly well-written poem that is not only powerful, but honest as well. I read it earlier while in chat with you and had to come back for an extended look! Great job!

So glad you enjoyed it. It was a great write to work on. I am glad you enjoyed chat tonight. Looking forward to more even if we are it..Lol. plenty to discuss. Thanks again.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I didn't get back in time to join you in your chat. Sounds like there were only the two of you,
you and Lonnie. Sorry. love ya, ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

I will think of something to draw a crowd. Hope you had a good time at your party. You guys deserve it! Love ya LH

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

so glad you like Nevermore! A little background on her, she is my primary muse. I plan on using her more like Beau suggested, in a story type manner. She is a perpetrator and victim all wrapped up into one. Victim of a twisted love affair with her father, unable to fill the void by his death (which another poem will touch on later), she becomes a ruthless serial killer. Torn by the emotions of being set free from her father's chains but not knowing or being able to move on. I have always been good at creating characters and making them come to life. Let me state, I had/have a wonderful father, who raised me to love literature and writing, take pride in education and myself. Nevermore is the part of me who has been jaded and hurt by different men in my life repeatedly. The poem took a life on of its own, like in your Trac Fone, the muse comes to life and forms their own personality. I will be sure to update you when another Nevermore poem surfaces :) Thanks again!!!!

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

A lot of discussion here, so I'll only throw out one thought. I would not concern yourself overmuch about the rhyme. From someone who dearly loves his rhyme I think I can assure you that... essentially there were none. In any of your versions. Even when I went back to look for them the rhyme I found is so inconsequential as to be trivial.
A really good example of this is some of Bill Shakespeare's rhyming plays. If read carefully they are prevalent, but in performance they are so designed as to disappear. Unless one reads this slowly (as if to read a poem) the rhyme doesn't present itself.
One of reasons I call the language "wicked" is that it causes the reader to read quickly (whether they desire to or not) and under such a pace the rhyme... "disappears".
I'd like to second Beau's invitation to my workshop. Storytelling in Verse is a long term shop (the only one here I think) and it gives us an opportunity to spend time on a longer work (or a series) and focus on storytelling a little more than the poetry itself.
Your insight into other stories would be welcome and we would all love to help you develop some goals if you seriously would like to carry this a lot further.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Not good with rhyme so I did alot of editing on this poem. I really enjoy storytelling and do all of it for fun. I believe I signed up for your workshop so I will have to drop by.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Maybe I should stop by also. If you're not listed, I will add you post haste.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

... it strikes me as being a rather concise protasis (exposition). It gives us an immediate insight to the character while leaving most of her motivations mysterious.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

i never saw this comment! Must have been a day that Neopoet didn't feel I needed my updates. Anyhow, do you think it would be beneficial to use punctuation and get rid of some of the capital letters or should i leave this how it is?

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I have been working with Wesley to improve my skills and explore other styles. Glad you enjoyed.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Continue. Write anew.
I am impatient now. Show me something different. Grow. Use the tools you have and make different.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

My newest poem Origami. I took a very different approach. I am interested in your feedback.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I've been hunting for the poem on Nevermore, one of the poems which have inspired Ian to create Digit, his very own serial killer. You see, his poem has inspired ME to create my own characters who will become rivals to Digit, your Nevermore and Gee's Killer to make a story for the fun of it. If you want you can check out the two poems I wrote on Dr Chaz.. The first is entitled "Hunting The Predator", followed by "Digit's Copycats".

Alid

Welcome to the club. I will be looking forward to reading your current works and future works of this nature. Read on...Nevermore Is Quite The woman.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment
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