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NAKED TREES (August Contest)

Here is the mountain's vale once clothed in furs
Like a wolf in the snow separated only by green
Standing like King Kong gigantic on all fours
Should it turn its face, terror would stroke its grin.

As a boy I wondered what dwelt in such darkness
As the trees bent and creaked in the wind
With the caws of ravens and owls the wood buzz restless
And terror never seemed to free my mind.

Then sometimes summer simmer It's smouldering ray
Into the thickest furs of the green
Exposing the nakedness of the proud woods to the day
Wilting every leaf and every terror my fearful mind had seen.

Sometimes we would run into the yellow of dead leafs
Where you will find them naked trees
humming the chirping of the birds 'n' casting down our grieves
As we dance in the vale like bees naked with the trees.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

love this. not sure about this: king kong standing on all fours. he has been so humanized. a man would not stand on all fours but on two. however, i gorilla could be standing, head high, with arms and legs on ground. summer simmer, (comma) or summer simmers. where you will find them, (comma). naked trees or those naked trees not them trees
. also, grieves is a word. "she grieves for her lost love". i am not sure about the way you used it. griefs does not work as well but might be more correct.

Okay, I'll check it out

Hommies

author comment

And I think anything logical would work in the stead of Kink Kong
Stopped before the kill charge claws grip the freeze (?)
Best of luck with the contest,

~Mark~

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occasionally we all take the liberty with a poem with our own ideas, Tell me if any of this works for you. Drop the first stanza. then

As a boy I wondered what dwelt in such darkness
As the trees bent and creaked in the wind
With the caws of ravens and owls the wood buzz restless
And terror never seemed to free my mind.

Sometimes summer simmers its smoldering ray (a bit much for me!)
Into the thickest furs of the green
Exposing the nakedness of the proud woods to the day
Wilting every leaf and terror my fearful mind had seen.

Sometimes we would run into the yellow of dead leaves
Where you will find the naked trees
humming the chirping of the birds 'n' casting down our grief
As we dance like bees naked with the trees. (dropped vale for the sake of meter)

my take. just a few grammar tweaks and meter...also too much alliteration can be a distraction, becomes too obvious alliteration.

Hope I am of some help.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I think the edit you did works pretty better

Hommies

author comment
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