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MyFailYourFailYourMyFailYour

MyFailYourFailYourMyFailYour…

The teddy bears go back to the shops,
Tommy’s heart doesn’t break any more.
The clock in his room suddenly stops,
it sleeps with Tommy on a cold floor.

Can you see a doll’s house without light?
Christmas didn’t come for Jenny that year.
The evil man said Jenny please don’t fight,
now a doll’s house holds nothing but fear.

A doctor see’s both but he doesn’t have time,
nurse had only just started this new job.
She believes that her silence isn’t a crime,
but it’s juicy gossip as she starts to hobnob.

Another child dies and mother goes free,
no more sleepless nights in her house.
Daddy doesn’t care he’s not there to see,
painless for him if we think him a louse.

Police keep saying how badly they're scarred,
along with the judges they turn to the drink.
Like everyone else their job's not always hard,
they hide behind laws when they're asked to think.

We’re all part of society that’s let them down,
maybe in life you’ve had a similar misfortune.
We kill bad animals with no more than a frown,
bring back the hangman get him here soon.

I sit here at this desk to read or write a story,
with heavy heart and anger in equal measure.
Memories set me free to erase all that’s gory,
will I let them down reading only for pleasure.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
We've all failed them.....
Editing stage: 

Comments

This is a powerful poem with a profound subtext.

Technical crit
they hide behind laws when their asked think. [they're]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

This is a powerful poem with a profound subtext.

Technical crit
they hide behind laws when their asked think. [they're]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Thank you Jess, edited my mistake. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

I've had a first read of this one! and I was really effected! But I need to and will come back to read again.

This is an incredibly emotional poem about social failer toward abused children. I was completely emotionally touched. You certainly pack a punch!

Your poem should be published and posted!

Gob smacked.

Love Mand xxxxx

Thank you Mand, just another one of those things i get angry about. Thanks again for reading. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

A powerful poem and rhymically done. This speaks to what we discussed in "The Bottome Line" workshop. It is not strictly metrical, but elegantly "rhythmical". There are a couple of spots I stumbled over, but nothing to detract from the poem (I am a mechanical perfectionist... not always desirable).
Because it's what I do, I hope you don't mind my pointing out some grammatical flaws that I think deserve attention. It is after all, one of the things I'm here for (I need "some" purpose).

Can you see a doll’s house without light,
Christmas didn’t come for Jenny that year. (The first line is a question and the second line does not allow a question mark. Therefore the first line is a complete sentence and deserves the question mark while the second stands alone).

Police keep saying how badly their scarred, (I believe instead of "their" as in possessive you meant a contraction of "they are", so "they're").

Like everyone else their jobs not always hard, ("Jobs" is possessive, so "job's").

I hope I don't insult you by pointing these out. The poem is strong and I very much liked it despite its dark nature.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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No insult at all my friend, i welcome your input and will alter my mistakes. Thank you. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment
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