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IN MY VAULT
Soft waves wash across our feet
and wipe our footprints from the sand.
Board walk provides a deep backbeat
from a sixties tribute band.
We've walked along this beach before
and heard the plaintive sea birds cry
as they patrolled this stretch of shore
wheeling within a clear blue sky.
But now my gait is not as fast.
My love slows down because of me
unlike the times far in the past
when we splashed this east coast sea.
The mist still tastes of tangy salt
just the way it did back then
in memories stored in my mind's vault
of how it tasted on your skin.
And as our evening comes on us
I guess the sea spray makes me blind
I see neither wrinkles nor hair mussed
but that young girl clearly in my mind
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
tyro
Tue, 2018-07-31 04:49
the title is very apt since
the title is very apt since the poem seems about memory. The opening image really struct a cord with me. The poem is makes many variations on the iambic tetrameter but I could feel no discord in the read of the poem. Of the many poetic devices you employ in this poem I find the lovely images superb.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
scribbler
Tue, 2018-07-31 12:05
Hi Tyro
I am pleased you enjoyed this one. I find that the few times I visit the beach make them each memorable....stan
author commentIRiz
Tue, 2018-07-31 08:39
Hello Stan,
Hello Stan,
First of all thank you for the pleasure reading your new poem. It added to my morning an extra dimension. I felt the breeze, tasted the salt particles, heard the rambling boardwalk. I relate to your bittersweet feeling of Love-Time discourse. Your take on the subject is deeply personal and touching.
Secondly, I like the cadence of the poem, it is perfect to reflect your passionate but well-thought attitude. It sounds strong and tender, perfect to convey and enhance the meaning.
Lastly, the choice of words in first stanza strikes as a perfect immitation of boardwalk sounds.
Oh, yes and rhymes are smooth not a single "false note"
Best wishes, Irene.
IRiz
scribbler
Tue, 2018-07-31 12:07
Hi Riz
But did you like it ? lmao. Always good to have you come by and the kind comment makes it even better.....stan
author commentIRiz
Tue, 2018-07-31 18:12
Absolutely LOVED your poem. I
I absolutely LOVED your poem. I was trying to be specific, because i was told that i am not good at commenting, so i was trying to improve:)
but i did love your poem, my friend, and I am reading it again now
IRiz
scribbler
Tue, 2018-07-31 20:18
Riz
I was just being a smart ass and didn't really expect a response but having somebody read a poem more than once says enough for me.......stan PS never hesitate to say you like or dislike a poem as that is some of the most important feed back a writer can get
author commentraj
Tue, 2018-07-31 08:50
Hi Stan
Tyro and IRiz have said a lot about this poem with which I agree wholeheartedly....for me this made a great evening coffee with every sip a treat...the aroma pretty Stanish...
..................................................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Tue, 2018-07-31 12:08
Hi raj
Stanish huh? Now I'll go around wondering if that's a Good thing lol. Glad to give you a pleasant evening read.....stan
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2018-07-31 09:25
This brought to mind...
a long past memory of being on a beach in North Carolina. There was no romance, but it was the last time I was at the ocean. Thank you for a well built poem that gave me some pleasure this morning.
~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Tue, 2018-07-31 12:09
Hi Geez
Always a good thing to bring somebody pleasure via a scribble of mine.........stan
author commentObadiah Grey
Tue, 2018-07-31 13:58
Hello, Stan. The first two
Hello, Stan. The first two lines are the weakest mate, they form a well worn image of the sea shore.
The piece should start with the second stanza, perhaps?
I'm right there with you on the final stanza !
Obi.
scribbler
Tue, 2018-07-31 17:00
Hi Obadiah
I appreciate your honest opinion. But there are times when a worn phrase might be so because it is such a great way of describing something. But rest assured that I'll give thought to what other way od describing the thing might exist........stan
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