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MY TOWN

Sitting outside the hardware store
with a couple friends
like countless other days before
as autumn and the mid day ends.

Look there goes old Mr. Siegle
in his beat up Chevy truck
I see he's got his gun and beagle
I wonder if he had some luck.

And here comes Kenneth pulling in
a set of antlers showing in the bed
he's got his yearly buck again
(Wish I'd gotten mine instead)

But we get up and gather round
prepared to listen to his story
of where the venison was found
and giving him his well earned glory.

Then across the street walks Mary
and all heads turn her way a while
and although she doesn't tarry
she gifts us with a pretty smile

Then she's gone and we sit down
and wait to see what's next to see
here in this little crossroads town.
When time was spent as if it's free.

But now too many things are gone
the store, but more important, people
too many now rest under well cared lawn
shaded by a church's steeple.

A fast food place now stands where
the old store stood so many years
and the next generation gathers there
all in a rush so it appears.

Far too few drive an old truck
and none have rifles in the window
And suddenly I become struck
that soon will come My time to go.

Editing stage: 

Comments

scribble more if you can
I have an idea about your town
now compose one on
HER GOWN

turn around

I am of a disappearing generation who can recall sitting around a wood stove while eating hoop cheese and crackers while telling tales of hunting and harvesting crops

author comment

you spend the poem in the present, so the last line doesn't fit for me...you have told is what the town is, not what it used to be.
I do like the tone of the poem, it wants to go somewhere and has good the images and references.
It wants to say something...

Before bringing in Mary you have 3 stanzas dedicated to deer hunting. Maybe you should connect that, how the town comes together by hunting. I don't know what that means, the primal urge to kill animals, or how that connects the town folk. In my town, if you bring home your yearly buck on the roof of your car everyone throws eggs at you. So make the case about your town about why its so great.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

See if this is a bit better

author comment

no appreciation for the way things used to be! I got your point on that score, but I think you could have tried to show that the younger crowd don't have time to sit and talk and share the social climate. [gossip]. The woman crossing the street and sharing a smile, knows that it is a [man thing] and doesn't tarry, but lets you know that she is aware of all you old timers sitting there. I agree, that the last line makes a sudden switch from now to then and wonder how you might rewrite that last line so that it still rhymes and does not change the time frame. ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Maybe the edit will address your justified concerns

author comment

still doesn't do it for me! I liked the premise that "This is how it used to be" ; not "this might be my time to go". How about," Where the Hell did the time go?" Or maybe, where did my little old town go?

~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

You know how I'm all the time going back and editing and reediting then editing the edits lol. I'm gonna let this one rest a spell then give it another shot

author comment

I know just what you mean.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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