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My Sweet Home (Critique & Criticism WS)

My home is built with tender hands, yet strong;
its roof is love that keeps it tight and warm,
its doors -respect and patience, won't go wrong
with crystal windows, even after storms.

If mild or harsh the winter seasons are,
or windy falls that tail the warmth of summer,
I see the healthy sunny days aren't far
to rest this tiresome soul once hit with hammer.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

not sure about 1st stanza's 2nd line
"its roof is love that keeps it tight and warm(s),"

Usually the word "warm" at the end of a sentence don't have the "s". When it does, the word is often followed by a noun warms "something". I understand that you are trying to make it rhymes with the 1st stanza's 4th line but I doubt it is in the correct form.

You have covered the roof, the door and the windows in the poem. If you want to eaborate, you can add pillars , the strength to overcome/endure hardships, the firm floor is humility that promotes good relationships. Then again, even without them, your poem is fine as it is.

Good work
Alid

hope I haven't rushed posting this one. I thought sir Wesley wanted to assign someone to give a critique each time. Anyway, I thank you for yours.
I had the same thoughts as for extending this a little bit mentioning things like pillars, but haven't at that time many ideas. I like your idea of using the floor...etc.
I think I can add one more stanza elaborating on that direction.

As for "warms", I think it works both as a "warm" and "warms" but find no harm in using "warms" to rhyme and work as a verb to convey the meaning of giving the feeling of pleasure "intransitive verb".
So do you think I can go with this one?

Very much appreciate your thoughts.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

maybe its just me or we have different style but I won't use it at the end. Just doesn't feel right to me. hmmm Lets wait for others to offer their thoughts.

Alid

We're not posting yet. Don't delete it. Let it stay and wait awhile. I will assign a critique poet in due time.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

You were giving an outline of what we are going to do when I thought you are asking us to post our poems.
Sorry!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Since I'm not a shop member I guess I'm free to go ahead and critique lol. A bit too much Yoda speek there is think I. A line or two in a longer poem get by can but in a poem this short it distracting can be........stan

that's not true. Your nme IS on the list of participants, you know.

Alid

I'm supposed to be taking a sabbatical from workshops. That Wesley is a sneaky guy lol

You are absolutely right. I struggled with those lines though it wasn't the a matter of forcing a rhyme this time, but thought I can go with them.

Thank you for the visit. your critique is always welcome..

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

This piece is not up to your standard and I am not sure what to say.
Too many typo's and it sounds wrong so I will await your re write lol, is this for the next part of the workshop ???
Take care, Yours, Ian x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

As for not to my standards, it's Ok. Wesley asked for a piece we don't worry much about . But I can't see the typos. I appreciate pointing them out.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

I wouldn't worry about the typo's as this is a piece for critique though there are two I am not sure of:-
it tight and warms The "S" on warms seems wrong..
with hummer:- Hummer is a vehicle did you mean humour.
I shall wait until the rest of the workshop is started.
You take care and know we are thinking of you,
Yours, Ian.

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Ian. Appreciate the heads up. I think everyone missed my point with " the roof keeps ...........and warms. It might not be very clear (therefore I have changed), but I still insist that it is not wrong (grammatically speaking). And I have corrected "hammer" Many thanks

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

Ian, read the syllabus thread. You'll need to know what's going on. The directions are starting to filter in.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I have been through the streamed Items for this workshop and all the comments critique etc, I am sorry there is no direct syllabus thread as you call it.
Now you can lay out a plan or description for this workshop, Rula has Streamed this poem no mention of the next stage apart from prepare a poem for critique.
Please put some indication as to the direction of this workshop is supposed to go, you can always use a separate Blog as each stage is opened..
Yours Ian.T

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

to see who is supposed to be critiquing this
just letting you know I'm here and not ignoring you
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

if you give your critique. I see everyone already had and I don't really mind it.
The more the better. :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

:) I'm not ignoring you either - look forward to seeing how this one goes.

Love Mand xxx

Since the meter is exact and interesting I parsed it. (see below)

The first stanza is perfect Iambic Pentameter, the second, still Pentameter with the interesting variation of the two verses ending in Amphibrachs. Brave and definitely successful.

I have a real problem with the title which is too close to the cliched "Home Sweet Home". Sweet itself is a word that conjures saccharine to me unless very carefully used.

The verse-
If mild or harsh the winter seasons are,
is a poetic inversion, which bothers me though I know many have no problem with it.

or windy falls that tail the warmth of summer,
should this be
or windy fall that tails the warmth of summer,
?

The last line doesn't work for me. Tiresome means causing boredom or fatigue, not sufferring from it. And if you mean this soul is tired would just one hammer hit cause it? If so the grander tragedy needs more signification. I'm at a loss for a suggestion here. Summer doesn't offer many rhyme possibilities so perhaps that line needs reworking too.

I feel great potential here with either small revisions or an extra verse to elucidate.

My home/ is built/ with ten/der hands/, yet strong;
its roof/ is love/ that keeps/ it tight/ and warm,
its doors/ -respect/ and pa/tience, won't/ go wrong
with crys/tal win/dows, e/ven af/ter storms.

If mild/ or harsh/ the win/ter sea/sons are,
or win/dy falls/ that tail/ the warmth/ of summer,
I see/ the heal/thy sunn/y days/ aren't far
to rest/ this tire/some soul/ once hit/ with hammer.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Another great critique to emulate: in my opinion this is top of the range professional critiquing. ( you use professional terminology which instils trust and confidence that you know what you are talking about ( as is true of the other stalwarts of this site ). I think, in this case, you are talking to someone who will comprehend the points you are making - so it's perfect for your audience!

I like the way you have been honest, without being brutal, you have given examples and even gone the extra mile of parsing the poem. ( that shows real interest ), giving suggestions on how to improve. You honestly say what you don't like but then acknowledge that it is only your opinion, hence it's down to personal choice.

I also like the way you have given encouragement when you say:
"I feel great potential here with either small revisions or an extra verse to elucidate".

I feel you have given the writer something solid to work on!

Thank you for ploughing the field on how to critique - I'm enjoying this workshop.

Love to you :)

Mand xxx

amphibrach? And see how cleverly it was used?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I always liked your way of critiquing and this one is not an exceptional. I agree with you that some verses need a tweak or to be reworked.
I also appreciate your time parsing each verse which shows really your devotion to give the best.

Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

will you be making any revisions?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Of course I have the intentions to. Please bear with me. I don't want to mess it. Sometimes my edits take the good and the bad.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Good critique Jess. I agree with your comments re the verses you have pointed out, especially the last. Rula, it seems you have sacrificed meaning for rhyme and meter....

as for ‘or windy falls that tail the warmth of summer’, Rula, you could also simply pluralise ‘summer’
‘or windy falls that tail the warmth of summers’

I would have included as a verse needing work
‘its doors – respect and patience won’t go wrong’ as to me it makes no sense really

I’m sorry to see that you removed the ‘s’ from warm.... I liked it, and it is correct grammar. The problem with it though, is that, with the next line talking about doors, it can be read as enjambment, and then seem to be referring to the doors....

I also agree with Jess re the title...
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I would expect nothing less of you. You should have run this workshop.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

despite being ill.
However (and you know I don't have the flattery gene) you have run it brilliantly, as you did with the Meter workshop. You have taken topics where I have frequently fucked up (mostly anger management issues) and done a superb job. Thank you.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

its doors [of tolerance would do no wrong]
with crystal windows, [to weather the storm]

raj (sublime_ocean)

great suggestions that would absolutely help when I decide my edits.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

this is another good example of a good critique. You point out wht you don't like directly and throuh it all you remain honest and you cknowledged the writer's potential.

Alid

First I'll critique Jess
The bad news first. You didn't give examples for changes which could well point the direction in which they could be made. Then you decided to "show off" by parsing the entire thing instead of just pointing out where rhythm was off. (In all fairness it might have been easier the way you did it). Now for the good news. I have ALMOST NEVER seen anybody suggest that the problem within a rhyming poetry line can likely only be cured by changing a previous line in order to achieve both clarity and unforced rhyme !!!!! And this is SO often what must be done. Heck I find myself having to not only do this but sometimes rewrite an entire stanza in order to achieve both clarity of message and unforced rhyme. KUDOS, KUDOS, KUDOS for pointing this out.
Now to the poem.
Line 1. The way it is now it almost reads as if the strength lies in the tender hands not the house. Try something like Though built with tender hands my house is strong
line 2 change "is" to of
line 3 change hyphen to comma and "go' to swing or sway
OOPS! company just arrive! I shall return......stan

That is amusing. It was not showing off, it was a gift. You know I find parsing a chore. The meter was complex yet correct. That's why I did it.

Otherwise good critique.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Read a bit more carefully. I didn't criticize your parsing. As you pointed out I'm hardly in the position to criticize Anybody's parsing. What I Did do was question whether or not parsing this poem was really needed. I now read your explanation for having done so and I see why you did it.............stan

I appreciate it.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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