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MY Story ...Refugee No. Million

The years have almost passed my history.
My name is Number Million Refugee.
When others played against my destiny,
Palestine preserved the true identity.

My name is Number Million Refugee.
With blood they often fed and nourished me.
Palestine preserved true identity,
when others swept my Home's dignity.

With blood they often fed and nourished me,
to get a vampire raised inside to steer.
While others swept my Home's dignity,
there  grew a hulk to break the greatest fear.

To get a vampire raised inside to steer,
I left my fears within and locked in pity.
There  grew a hulk to break the greatest fear,
to keep my pride awake, alive and witty.

I left my fears within and locked in pity,
when others played against my destiny.
I'll keep my pride awake, alive and witty,
though years have almost passed my history.

 

                                                         Refugee no. Million

 

 

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
To know more about the form -the Pantoum, please follow the link http://www.neopoet.com/comment/79003#comment-79003
Editing stage: 

Comments

It is a difficult form to my mind as it offers a very limited scope to expand (the repetitions). I'm concerned that many of your late poems have veered from your happy perspective, but don't shy from it. There is a lot to be said about sad poetry.
I liked the rhyme scheme, but there are some problems with the meter. I don't know if it's worth retooling, but look at it more closer to be sure you recognize them.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thank you . This is a nice way to say it is not good enough I think :) I am not happy with it either because I always wanted to write about/for  Palestine something special , something distinguished. I thought this form would help me to do so but I think I completely failed to do so. I may try something else in the coming future.

As for the meter I am aware there are some feminine lines  and others that I couldn't prevent when I repeated the word Palestine . Are they the same that you are pointing to ?

As for why I veered from my happy prospective , here are few lines . Hope they give a satisfying answer to Why?

Why are you sad? He asked
What makes the frown?
Who stole the smile?
Where has gone your charm?

Why!! answered I
Why not!! Beg you let me ask
When blood and death is all
that life brought about

But I promise something different soon.SIR!
 

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

Don't take my criticisms to mean the poem has no worth. It has been repeated that the highest compliment one may be paid is criticism. Only something of worth can be criticized, a lost cause cannot.
The meter is not a disaster. As one travels through the poem there are deviations that do not trouble the read, but on a regular basis there are lines too long, lines ending on an inappropriate stress or words that are forced through a funnel too small for them... what I am describing is a good poem in progress.
I too would like to write something "dignified" and cannot. It is quite difficult.
This is a worthy poem asking for a little more concentration.
Sometimes... sometimes I have a little trouble believing that one of my dear friends actually lives on the eastern coast of the Mediterranean Sea... in ancient Palestine.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

if I misinterpreted or misunderstood . I always get what you mean and highly appreciate your criti.
The problem is that most of my meter problems as I see it, are condensed in ending the lines and while composing I couldn't think of much alternatives like for example 'dignity', 'identity' which need to go with "history"in the first line which I consider as a key word here.
In such situations I really feel that -and I am not sure if it is true- that meter fails me or may be the other way around - I fail the meter to achieve my goal :) but I did give up many times using the meter appropriately in such situations.

So I am not sure what is the solution then.This needs and expert ,a seargeon in poetry to use his poetic licence which is very early for me to use. :)

Appreciate your thoughts again

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

This is really good. The only line I don't like is

"to keep my pride alive along a ditty."

I think because "ditty" seems a bit old-fashioned, to me, and doesn't fit well with the atmosphere of the rest of the poem.

But, I like. I Like very much. Number Million Refugee is just a great, great visual and mental image, particularly for those suffering in Palestine.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Jim

Thanks for leaving such a nice comment. Sorry for the belated reply but this is how life goes, you know :)
Thanks again .

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I watched a TV piece yesterday of a place in Jordan, they are building one of the most modern Atomic accelerators in the world.
Maybe it will be a start to the realisation that all people no matter what or they are from can work and build a modern world without strife.
This excelerator is a joint build with Israel and other countries.
One day I hope that the there will be no need for refugees, I don't think you need a number young lady, just know who you are, and one day where your home is, our thoughts are with you, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

many thanks for your kind feelings. Though I'm not a refugee my self but I consider my self so as long as my home is under occupation.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I’m just dropping in here quickly – I’m sorry to have been awol – just too tired after a lot of work – I’ll be back on board at the weekend…. so you have time to work on this before the next exercise
and I only say that cos I think it is really worth working on
love it

I find nothing wrong in the rhythm when using Palestine as it’s whole word – ‘Palestine preserved the true identity.’
in fact I find nothing wrong with the rhythm at all - we can’t keep to perfect meter all the time.. just so long as we attempt to maintain it mostly throughout

‘when others swept my Home-the dignity.’
can I suggest?
‘when others swept up my Home’s dignity.’

‘To raise a vampire, held inside me dear,’
the ‘me dear’ bothers me – it can be many meanings, including the poet calling the reader ‘dear’ if you see what I mean lol
‘holding me dear,’ if you mean to be saying you held it close to you imo it fails to convey this accurately enough without other meanings creeping in - even when you know those other meanings aren’t the correct ones – it sort of makes the poem into a little joke there …
and also it is poor grammar really and doesn’t fit the rest of this fabulous write

‘to keep my pride alive along a ditty.’
I bet you can find a way to say this without the word ‘ditty’ – it is so not the word for a write such as this – imo it trivialises it…

and don’t listen to a word wes says about the change in the moods of your poems – this one and your awesome octogram are memorable imo, you are writing from your heart at the moment – before you were writing from your head…

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

many thanks for the encouraging words . I am happy you like it and feel it. I've done some changes hope it reads better now.
By the way , Wesley is talking about an earlier staff than what you've read here. He is talking about my earliest pieces before I even come to Neo. I , too , miss that staff :)

Thanks for both of you. Without you I am LOST.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

but do come back to it from time to time - as you keep writing you will reach another level where you will want to edit this again i know...
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I think this poem has a lot of power. I have no criticisms to add, Judy and Wesley had some good points but I think the impact of the poem as is over-rides any distracting element of faulty craft.

Thanks for a great read!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Thanks for the read. I in fact I would like to be more specific with this .As you've just mentioned Wesley and judy already gave a great feedback but i find my self more curious to know which part(s) is the most powerful for you and which you think need(s) some kind of re-working if you have the time to point it out please, I would be really grateful.

All the suggestions and thoughts are really welcomed as I think this is a so special piece for me.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

Your beginning is strong:

The years have almost passed my history.
My name is Number Million Refugee.
When others played against my destiny,
Palestine preserved the true identity.

I can feel how much emotion pulses behind the words.
I would recommend a technique I use when I'm working with form:

Write down what you mean completely devoid of form
then if you choose, attempt to work in the form,
in this case Pantoum. It's rare that I don't come out with
a few key phrases from the first naked attempt.

I deeply respect your topic and intent.
This is what I can't get out of my mind:

"The years have weaved a blood soaked tapestry
I bear the name of millionth refugee
for Palestine preserved identity
while others prayed and raid our destiny"
(Zion)

I recognize the last line could open a can of worms.
This is a hard one but those are the words that sing to me. I hope I've helped in some way.

Ron
BlueDemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

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