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My sparrow (haiku)

Golden locks flowing
Sunlight sparkling bright blue eyes
My love is everlong

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
First haiku I've wrote since leaving school a decade ago.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Your title is okay. But since a haiku is a short poem, I would shorten the title to: Sparrow or My Sparrow. Did you know that many haiku's are not given a title but given a number, like Haiku# 19?( I give my hikus titles, too) The syllable count is right on for the 5-7-5 haiku. Also, if this little poem is about a person, then it is a senyru (the haiku's cousin)

I really like the content of this poem. Good subject matter. The language useage is good except I would make one change in line one. I would change the word flown to flowing and eliminate the wor down altogether. So it would read: {Golden locks flowing} that they are flowing down is a given.

Another suggestion:

In the second line: Sunlight sparkling from bright eyes
I would remove the word from and assign them a color, such as:

{Sunlight sparkling bright green eyes}
but that is only asuggestion. (delete all brackets)

Thank you for suggesting that I read this poem. It brightened my day.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

the conception of this Haiku is great, but there are to things that I wish to elaborate on, First a Haiku never has a title and second it is always (in the western) written in the 5-7-5 syllables per line, line two has 8. It happens to everyone. still a most excellent write in its camparison to life and nature.

Eddie
...

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I am Eddie Cruz, I have been here a long time. I believe that this is our first meeting. I hope I did not offen with my critic. It is intended to help.
Welcome to "neopoet" Land of the Freed poets

Eddie
...

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I am Eddie Cruz, I have been here a long time. I believe that this is our first meeting. I hope I did not offen with my critic. It is intended to help.
Welcome to "neopoet" Land of the Freed poets

Eddie
...

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Thanks for the suggestions and comments, although I count seven syllables in line two?!
And thanks again for all suggestions, I will take it all on board.

author comment

I stand corrected!

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

nice
but
last line
my love is everlong

whether you say ever long
or everlong
you still have six syllables

what if you said
Love is ever long
the my is understood and it brings you back to five
ah then too everlong that is two words anyway lol
welcome and enjoy Neo Poet
we are all here to help
Chrys

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Everlong is a made up word from the lyrics of a song and is not in the dictionary as yet.
Maybe you have invented it.
So we have to take it as two words Ever and Long the mechanics of the piece have been dissected by the pro's so I will leave it at that. A good sound piece that seeks perfection though, Yours Ian.T

PS:- I use Sparrow to sign off with when there are
un nice things to say, so be warned, He is sleeping at the moment in a dark room. shush!

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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