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My River (title workshop)
In the bend of the river,
fireflies,
silent navigation
adrift, you and I,
in yesterday’s whirlpools.
Numbed by shadowy depths
in shared memories,
we’ll scatter
our secrets and fears
on the arcane backwaters
over which we lean.
River of my childhood, my river.
In the bend of the river,
dragonflies,
sailing the unknown
on ripples of unsung melodies
for the sensual ear.
Together
we’ll caress the sky
mirrored by circles of light
round yonder willow trees.
River of my childhood, my river.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Speaking of titles, I'm not sure about this one. Help!
Editing stage:
Content level:
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Author information
Region & Country
Río Negro, Argentine Patagonia
Favorite Poets
Sylvia Plath, T.S. Elliot. Shakespeare, Gongora, Beckett, etc. Many others, such as Cervantes. I have to thank my mother because she read poetry to me from the cradle, so first I learned by memory and soon understood the words. Grammar comes naturally at about 5 years old, without any formal teaching.
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Comments
c lynn brooks
Wed, 2020-05-27 18:02
Gracy
I found this poem to be very soothing and calming
very descriptive and picturesque
Chrys
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Geezer
Wed, 2020-05-27 21:12
I am particulary..
fond of the description of the shadowy depths and the numbness. I could feel the cold currents brush past my legs and I was pushed to the backwaters to shiver in delight with the secrets we told. Very nice and I agree with Jerry about if you want to spruce up the title, that is what you should use.
~ Geezer.
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Lavender
Wed, 2020-05-27 21:33
My River
Hi, Gracy,
Lots of mystery in the river. For me, it felt as if the 'we' in your poem is actually you and the river, just my take - which made the title simple, and very endearing. Another bit of your magic here - 'unsung melodies for the sensual ear.'
Thank you!
L
Gracy
Thu, 2020-05-28 11:02
Thank you, lynn, for your
Thank you, lynn, for your soothing comments. Glad you like it.
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
author commentGracy
Thu, 2020-05-28 11:10
Hi Jerry, thanks for your
Hi Jerry, thanks for your suggestion. "A Bend in the River" is a 1979 novel by Nobel laureate V. S. Naipaul. It's a great book, I recommend it. You've made me think, because "The bend in the river", as I wrote it, has two "the"s, which I like to avoid, but neither do I think I should use Naipaul's title...
Funny you should be thinking about the same theme. Hope you share it soon. I'll mull over my title, thanks a lot.
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
author commentGracy
Thu, 2020-05-28 11:30
Hello Gee, I'm glad I made
Hello Gee, I'm glad I made you feel the things I say in my poem. Yes, the title must be spruced up, I'm thinking on it. Thanks a lot, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
author commentGracy
Thu, 2020-05-28 11:35
Hi Lavender, yes, to my way
Hi Lavender, yes, to my way of thinking, rivers are mysterious, almost as much as the sea. I was actually combining my memories with the river that bordered our farm, as tho' I and the waters were both flowing in time...and still are.
Nice to know you like that line, especially. All the best, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
author commentGracy
Thu, 2020-05-28 11:40
Hello Teddy, I like your
Hello Teddy, I like your suggestion, it's beautiful. But the same as with "A Bend in the River", it's been used. Not sure if as a title, but in many poems and books. I'm thinking about it and will try to come up with some combination of both.
A pleasure to receive your comments, all the best, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
author commentGracy
Thu, 2020-05-28 21:01
Hello Alan, I love it that
Hello Alan, I love it that you consider it "halcyon". Thank you for the detailed comments, you've made me think more things than when I wrote this poem. Interesting, sad and yes, halcyon!
I like the title you suggest. I've been given several ones to think about. I hope tomorrow a decision will arise.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, all the best, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
author commentGracy
Thu, 2020-05-28 21:04
Hello again, Teddy. Wow, you
Hello again, Teddy. Wow, you've given me so many titles to think about. Don't bog off, I'm delighted when you comment.
Thanks so much for helping out, all the best, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2020-05-30 15:10
Hi Gracy
I see all the praise has already been taken care of lol. So I'll concentrate on the title which is already good. One might add "on" to the front and thus change it to On My River. This kinda adds to an anticipation of being shown things about the river an maybe even encourage a reader to read further in order to "see" what you see.
Gracy
Sat, 2020-05-30 16:57
That's a very good idea, tx
That's a very good idea, tx so much. I'm still in doubt, though...it's not my river, it's just what came to me, but I don't own it, lol.
Best, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
author commentGracy
Sat, 2020-05-30 21:25
Hello Jerry, thank you so
Hello Jerry, thank you so much for that information. Now I'll rest easy. Dunno about trademarking it, never done that. Grateful for your search, bye for now.
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
author commentGracy
Sun, 2020-05-31 23:04
Thank you, Jerry, for putting
Thank you, Jerry, for putting me straight on that one. Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
author comment