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My new language.
His feet, couldn’t tip the ground. White.
What does it really mean ? - touching
If You feel,
And I ask,
Would I touch your nerve?
Is it touching, or is touching something brave.
If You touch,
I could allow it.
Because each person has different feelings,
Books just cover it with a simple colour, timbre,
a delicate question.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2022-07-13 09:41
Your title is great...
it drew me in and that's what they are supposed to do!
Although I felt that this piece was a little vague as to meaning at first,
I came to realise that your message was crystal-clear in intent and I quickly
picked up on the emotion. Your syntax is a little strange at first, but I understand
that it has to do with your "New Language".
The problem lines are:
"Because each person [has] different feelings"
Book[s] just cover it with simple colour[s], [timbre],
[a] delicate question.
Your pacing is great, with no unwieldy, heavy lines.
I enjoyed the theme; as it points out the difficulties of learning a new language
and it flowed well from beginning to end. Well done! ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Jackweb
Wed, 2022-07-13 10:00
Very brilliant observation!
Very brilliant observation by Geezer. I have nothing to critique.
A very short verse yet elegant.
.
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb