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My Moon (Jess’s poem from Barbara’s prose)

My Moon (Jess’s poem from Barbara’s prose)

Moon shining on couples in love,
waves that wash away aeons
counter of celestial events
cataclysmic and pastoral

Omnipresent moon,
both distant in meaningless ways
and as close as a touch
speaks to us everywhere
man, or beast.
Where creations brilliance in a dark starry night?
Lovers and thieves, complicit in moonlight

Our dialogue is a gentle one,
I glory in it’s fullness and cheers
grieve at its waning
praise its sussurating path over an ocean,
that whispers of behemoths and strange night creatures

Our chats are fulfilling to me,
I become mesmeric as moon's ocean divests my troubles
and washes in peace heart, soul and mind.

Plain Prose Moon by Barbara
The moon has been around for eons shining on couples in love, developing waves that washed away sand on the beaches. The moon even kept count of celestial events throughout history. No matter where in the world we live, the moon has a story to tell whether its in nature, man, or beast.
In the beginning God said let there be night and night was formed. With out the moon, night would be no fun. It would be black, bland, and blank. Instead, the moon is brilliant in its glory. Thus its light, millions of light years away, give us poetic inspiration everytime the moon shines.
Sometimes life gets us down, but relaxing in a chair on a deck under the many phases of the moon, soothes the thoughts causing grief. Like a flashlight in a blackout, the moon lights the path of darkness that invades joy and happiness. The moon, myraids of stars, galaxies, and planets out to space was created for our joy here on earth. Think about it, the moon is a ugly black rock when seen from space, but is beautiful in form seen from here where God has his foot stool.
The moon radiating across ocean waters is beauty at its best. Just imagine the sea creatures, coral reefs, whales thousands of years old benefiting from the moon's existence. When I meditate on the beach, watch the moon slowly cross the Atlantic I become mesmeric as the ocean waves takes my troubles out to sea and bring nature to my heart, soul, and mind.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Sorry, Barbara, I was ruthless in editing this down, I hope I've kept some semblance of your feeling.
Editing stage: 

Comments

you show us all up jess lol

i have nothing to crit here - great job
- except that i would have liked to see, perhaps, the part barb wrote about the moon really being just a barren rock ...

i see you have almost culled paragraph three though ...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

aiming for.

I shamelessly removed any references to God, but did include the words creation and praise to retain the sense of numinous. Also just had to eliminate moon, "millions of light years away" (it's only 1.282 light seconds!)

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

i actually didn't notice barb's exaggeration with distances

also glad you omitted the god references
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I love a shameless pedant!!!! How many dark years is that then?

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

Glad you corrected with light seconds :)
As for God reference, I hoped and knew you would get my prose. I wanted to see how you would remove them and at same time retain meaning. You did a good job without attacking God lol :)
I like how you pull of prose to poetry. Well done

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Not a great concern. I like what you have done with this

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I admit I was a tad nervous about so ruthlessly stripping it down and adding my own expression to your work.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

When I found out you had it I eagerly awaited to see how you would strip it down. You have a unique talent for this prose poetry convert stuff. Me not so much. I'm glad you got it because I secretly hope Stan would assign it to you. Lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

the first "Green car" sits on the moon
waiting for a battery

in the eleven hundreds a Monk was watching
the moon and witnessed the creation of a new
crater which was a crimson from the inertia
energy translated through matter in collision

like collusions of wonder and beauty
a great combo write
in its right

(I would bring a tall whip antenna and a Wolfs Tail and
the keys and go for a drive in the Barrens)

Just have time for a quick overview before work. Off top of my empty head you could have used Barb's exaggeration on distance in describing how moon sometimes seems so far away and at other times nearly within reach. I'll be back later ............stan

"Omnipresent moon,
both distant in meaningless ways
and as close as a touch"

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Beautiful work, Jess

Linda

He who conquers self , has won a great battle

I keep coming back and reading this and each time the same thing stands out : collaborator just doesn't seem to be the right word for what I think you intend to convey............stan

The idea that their night-time vocation gives them a certain shared something, complicity perhaps?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

joining in plans beneath the moon.......conspirators perhaps?.............stan

better?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Yes. It takes the hard edge off

As the moon coincides with lover's, man, or beast
Or the rippling of the waves on the ocean surface or floor where creation can and does exist.
Removing reference of God is okay becaude you concentrated on nature works. Not mentioning God those who believe in him still see his presence in your version and those who don't well, can see nature and can connect with its meaning. I love the moon and hope to watch it brilliance to night a huge yellow ball closer to earth then any other time of year.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

You are back on top of your game! Super write from the offered prose. I wish I could lay claim to having written this piece! I really like:

Omnipresent moon,
both distant in meaningless ways
and as close as a touch
speaks to us everywhere
man, or beast.
Where creations brilliance in a dark starry night?
Moon is the collaborator of lovers and thieves

I wouldn't change a word!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

climbing back up there. It's hard.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Bravo. I like the paraphrasing (which is, in essence, what we all had to do. You did a great job of gathering most of the main elements of the prose & putting them into a poetic prose form (now is that right, or do a have this wrong now?) Definitely a poem, either way, & enjoyable at that...

You know, the line that I most loved happens also to be a line that seems slightly clumsy (dare I say?) in the context of your poem -
"I become mesmeric as ocean waves suck my troubles out to sea"
It's a beautiful line, but seemed to be a tall poppy among the other lines, if you know what I mean... just a thought.

Nice work

Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

I'm happier.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Assuming you enquired that question of me? I really like the poem in it's new form, it is smoother, gentler & more seductive (in a sensory context). I also like the slightly sharper earlier versions of some of the lines... there is one of my quandaries with crits, I can't say it's better completely because it is now a slightly different poem & I really liked the previous in a different way.

Either way, again, I do think you have done a stellar job of the whole process, excellent example of reworking prose into poetry & I think you stripped it with a brilliant balance. I really admire the way you kept the essential elements & carried them into a really beautiful poetic form.

Brilliant job, for my vote.
Cheers
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

Assuming you enquired that question of me? I really like the poem in it's new form, it is smoother, gentler & more seductive (in a sensory context). I also like the slightly sharper earlier versions of some of the lines... there is one of my quandaries with crits, I can't say it's better completely because it is now a slightly different poem & I really liked the previous in a different way.

Either way, again, I do think you have done a stellar job of the whole process, excellent example of reworking prose into poetry & I think you stripped it with a brilliant balance. I really admire the way you kept the essential elements & carried them into a really beautiful poetic form.

Brilliant job, for my vote.
Cheers
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

The changes are better. Complicit not to my liking. As I don't see the nighttime vocation as complex at all. Being content with nature is ease because with me I feel like I'm up there with the celestial.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

it is more like accomplice or collaborator

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Its just that collaborator found more like talking instead of unifying

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

... about the "mesmeric" line, but probably for different reasons. The mood of the whole thing is beautiful, romantic. The word "suck" regardless of the context is an ugly term with uglier connotations. I don't like it.

Where creations brilliance in a dark starry night?

This is the only other line I had trouble with. I may be staring right at it, but I don't get it. 

From where I sit, this is poetry and comes no where near "poetic prose". I tried the very same thing when I did my bit with Stan's prose (cull it to the bare bones), but I made a hurried mess. You cut this down quite nicely.

wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I loved the line in question as it was, you know, it just seemed slightly out of synch with the other lines, that's all.... I'd go a s far to disagree (chuckle, it's like ping-pong) with Wes in that I LOVED the use of the word "sucked" there, it's powerful & really emotively compelling... I could completely relate to it, despite not being likely to make a statement like that.

I think the poem now reads beautifully, but in truth I missed the oomph of that line (not complaining because I did first point out the tall poppy sense of that line & you addressed it very poetically well... but I tend to admire a tall poppy, that's all)... I now read the poem without being so distracted by that line... but somehow I didn't express that I kind of liked it like that, sorry. It's like a kid in your class that acts up because they have a sharp wit... it can be distracting etc. but it doesn't mean you don't appreciate, admire, or like the kid or the interruptions much of the time.

Sorry I didn't elaborate on that earlier, I think, in the end, there's always a million different ways we could express something, each has it's own merit (mostly)... but I AM trying to shorten responses (& struggling to do so, sorry).
Cheers
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

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