Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

My Mission

I write to paint a smile
on a face stained with tears,
to tell her troubled heart,
Hope can banish fears

I want to tell a tale,
chase away her boredom,
share with her my feelings
and my thoughts at random

I am inviting her
to explore life's choices,
the dark reign of despair,
or the sanctity of love

I wish to show to her
dreams can come true
when she makes sacrifices
she'll find success blooms anew

When a tragedy strikes,
I will share her sadness
I'll be her candlelight,
'till the beauty of her smile
returns

Her happiness is my mission
for she is my chosen.....

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

until the last three lines. You turn your beloved into an object of literature.

I know this is harsh hoever it is the direct feeling I got from the poem.

You see the first lines of the first two stanzas are just a poet's way of speaking, the last takes it away from her and makes it just a poem for eveyone. Maybe that is a good thing though if I was the beloved reading it I would feel ripped off.

some minor corrections
Hope can banish its fears [if you delete 'its' it scans better]
when one truly believe[s]
When a tragedy strike[s]

Overall a lovely poem, my congratulations, it's just those last 3 lines bother me.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

the "you"I am referring to is the readers. I want to tell them why i write. my mistake here is that I forget that the readers will see "I" as themselves in the poem....err any suggestion on how I could rectify the mistake without straying away from the theme? I am still at a lost, trying to find a better ending stanza for this piece,,,

Alid

author comment

I agree with Jess, I have a couple of ideas that could maybe help I will be back when I am not so sick, just wanted you to know I was here and I had read your lovely poem

Take care

Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

you take care too, girl!

Love
Alid

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.