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My love, My pain

Love of my life,
You told me your name, I told you mine
You gave me your sweet words, I gave you smiles
You gave me butterflies, you gave me smiles
You promised me your heart, I promised you mine

Love of my life,
You gave me more happiness than money could buy
Your words were like seasoning that spiced up my life
Your touches like torches that light up the night
I can't stop thinking of your lips on mine

Love of my life,
It's been ages since I last heard from you
My limbs are weak from looking for you
My eyes are weak from crying for you
My head is aching from thinking of you.

Love of my life,
I found you in the arms of another
Those arms that once caressed me now hold someone else
Those lips that once kissed me now pour forth venom
First you gave me butterflies and now you give me pain!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

in these lines: I found you in the arms (of another)
Those arms that once caressed me now hold another
instead of the repetition, try: (I found you in the arms of someone new)

these are my favorite lines:
Love of my life,
You told me your name, I told you mine
You gave me your sweet words, I gave you smiles
You gave me butterflies, you gave me smiles
You promised me your heart, I promised you mine

I liked them best because they flowed well and spoke of such happiness.

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thank u so much Cat for your comment. Your correction is most appreciated

author comment

The main functions of repetitions in poetry are to emphasis on a particular point. It makes it easier to understand. It brings the meaning, theme into some sense of focus.

But it can also create a sense boredom and complacency. But it can also incite enchantment and inspire bliss.

Beautifully crafted!

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

Thanks Onyi

author comment

have recieved some good advice; you can use any or all of it or even a combination of it all. The pain of heartbreak!
I would use the word [looking] instead of scouting

I wouldn't use the word [another] so close to where you used it last
instead I might use [her] like this: Those arms that held me, now hold her

Delete the word [once] it doesn't add anything to the line in either spot.

I feel your pain, A pretty good description of a broken heart! ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

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