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My Little Red Caboose
she's my little red caboose
her windows a little loose
tucked away under a tin shed
white lattice trim, a coat of red
an old relic of the past
was built to last
real wood is a beauty of mine
my mobile home enduring time
nestled under pine trees
on a hill to catch the breeze
over looking Toledo Bend lake
you'll find me taking a break
from my many repairs
giving up in despair
I'll just cast a line
oh! this life of mine
working on my caboose
fixing a window that's loose
that is if the fish are not biting
to a country boy, this is exciting
copyright 12-2-10 huey horton (hippiepoet69}
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I'm not happy with the last two lines of the second verse. I need to convey how beautiful the wood work is inside that old 60 mobile home, It was a gem in her day. With two slide out bay windows.
Editing stage:
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Comments
hippiepoet69
Mon, 2010-12-06 14:40
Thanks xena
I like your sugestion and used it. Although I have had the place a couple of years. I yet to move in. It's next door to my sister that bought it for me. Her back porch is as big as my trailer. My trailer is only about 700 sf with the added on room. I have to down size. And that's hard for a pack rat like me. I will have to put my jukebox on her back porch probably. I plan on moving in next year. It will be a lot cheaper than where I'm renting. But I will miss the 13 acres I have here. And the dogs and cat will. Take Care. huey
author commentRace_9togo
Mon, 2010-12-06 15:58
Hi Hippie
Now I'm just jealous as hell.
LOL
I love this poem, it speaks to me of doing your own thing, the value of what others think is obsolete, and of enjoying what you have.
Graet stuff!
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
hippiepoet69
Mon, 2010-12-06 17:04
Thanks Jim
This old trailer has workmanship you don't see even in most site built homes any more. I want to make it more energy efficent. I'm already buying led lights. Paint it with insulation paint and so on. I want to replace most of the windows. But that will take away some of the caboose look. There is a little cove behind it. Maybe only 30 feet wide. There is a little island seperating it from the main lake. The Sabine river runs just on the other side of the island. Check out Toledo bend on the internet. Over 12 hundred miles of shoreline. And Great fishing, come on down. Take Care. huey
author commenthippiepoet69
Mon, 2010-12-06 18:58
Thanks Ian
I have to get me a little Jon boat. And a fishing partner. I can't swim and I'm legally blind. So I won't go out by myself. Mainly because of gators and snakes. The snakes will drop into your boat from trees. Gators will mainly get you on the bank. Catfish is one of my favorite fish. And the only one I have luck catching. I'm no fisherman. Take Care. huey
author commentRace_9togo
Mon, 2010-12-06 20:15
Hippie
A possible suggestion for those two lines:
The woodwork is so beautiful and fine
enduring relic of another time
Perhaps?
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
hippiepoet69
Wed, 2010-12-08 17:55
Thanks again Jim
When I have more time I will try them on for size. Take Care. huey
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