Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
My Life
I belong to me
And for you, it seems, is hard to see
It’s my own purpose, not your life
I never wanted your advice
I’ll form my path, you’ll see me strive
Reforming my once crumbled pride
Without you there, I find my light
Just watch me as I shine so bright
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words:
To anyone out there who is being forced to hide yourselves or are experiencing the inhumane and malicious events currently going on around the world: don't give up.
- Bri :)
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Thu, 2022-09-29 06:12
Alright!
This is awesome. Sounds like you’re finding your worth without validation from this particular external influence any longer. That’s probably why I’m digging the energy of your stuff. This is great but I’d suggest a small format change and one substitution to a different form of the verb “to be”. Here goes
I belong to me
For you, it seems
that’s hard to see
It’s my own purpose, not your life
I never wanted your advice
I’ll form my path
you will see me strive
Reforming my once crumbled pride
Without you there, I find my light
Just watch me as I shine so bright
Now I played around with it a few ways and I think this is the way that forces the reader into the smoothest rhythm. I love stories about self awareness and emotional growth it’s currently my “jam” if you will. Anyway I’ve been doing some collaborations with some others where I write a song around their words and record them for release on the major streaming platforms. I think this one is a pretty good candidate for that kinda treatment. If that’s a thing you’d be willing to try I’m pretty sure I could come up with something. Absolutely no pressure of course I’m just throwing it out there. You’ve got good rhythm and good feel for musical subdivision, I’m not sure if that’s from musical instruction or some inherent ability or both?
I really like this one,
Tim
Rosewood Apothecary
Thu, 2022-09-29 06:15
Oh one more thing
You’re very adept at “soft rhyme” techniques which I’ve picked up on in the last two offerings here. I think you’re a lyricist.
Tim
Flower Girl
Thu, 2022-09-29 07:07
Yes!
Hi Tim,
Thanks for the constructive feedback. I'll definitely look into revising and improving the piece.
In your first comment, you stated about me probably becoming more secure in myself than with the help of exterior judgement, that's partly true but, I also wanted it to be a statement for anyone who is currently or has had to fight their battles to gain a new part of themselves or finally achieve freedom.
In regards to musical instruction and rhythmic consistency, I have been doing music and the creative arts pretty much since I was born. Whether it be listening, playing or singing. I currently play guitar, piano, saxophone but I would say my main instrument is my voice.
You're right, I am a songwriter as well. Just today, I finished writing a new song that I started a few days ago.
Music has always been a part of me and such a huge pillar in my life.
I would be glad to collaborate if you think that this piece is good enough!
Thank you again!!
- Bri :)
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Thu, 2022-09-29 07:18
Ok!
I’m a multi instrumentalist myself. Starting with saxophone at age 11, moving on to Bass guitar and then eventually Guitar, banjo, mandolin, and piano. Also a decent singer I suppose. Had a good rock band for 17 years that dissolved recently but refocused on recording and releasing my catalog of 80 songs some of which you can hear (links are in my bio).
I’d love to hear something you’ve written. Do you have recording capabilities such as a small project studio or a small recording interface?
This could be super fun
Tim
Geezer
Thu, 2022-09-29 12:42
As I have nothing...
to add that could possibly add anything to your poem, I will just say that Tim is absolutely right about everything he has said!
I am able to add that he and I have collaborated on turning one of my poems into a song, and I am extremely pleased! Go for it! ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Ray Whitaker
Fri, 2022-09-30 13:34
Short and powerful
Gets the point across in bright sunlight, and such a talent is worth enhancing in your future work.
in S2, L1, I'd put "own" in, so that "I’ll form my path" becomes "I’ll form my own path" which becomes a much more solid declaration.
Nice piece
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -