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My heart a minion to your heart

Submitted by Marvel Godwyn on Mon, 2017-09-18 06:31

The atmosphere was ideal.
Her gentle caress made my heart to reel,
underneath a shimmering moon,
as her lips on mine turned me on.

Then entombed I was in a pleasure,
beyond the value of any treasure,
that made my heart with ardor to overflow,
and my without with radiance to glow.

Folks now no more wonder,
why to her I always run for shelter,
from the wreckages of loneliness in a haste,
for that rare warmth of hers to taste.

Everyday my heart for hers yearns to go,
even when my fabric says no.
Now I see my heart as a minion,
that had sworn forever to her heart to pinion.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

swamp-witch

Sun, 2017-09-24 23:05

swamp-witch's picture
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I am not sure if I have read any of your work yet of if I've welcomed you here yet. I've been away for a while. If I haven't, it's good to meet you and welcome to Neopoet!

I want to start by saying that "wreckages of loneliness" is a tragically beautiful and clever image. Excellent word choice there.

If I could make a small suggestion, I believe you are missing a word on this line:

and my without with radiance to glow.

Is it supposed to be "my face" or "my soul" or something similar?

I also find the use of words like "reel" and "pinion" really interesting in the poem. To me, they sound rather mechanical, but you've made them relate to the power of the heart. They are refreshing word choices.

Looking forward to reading more of your writing.

Take care,
Kelsey

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Marvel Godwyn

Wed, 2017-09-27 08:16

Marvel Godwyn's picture

It's my pleasure Swamp -Witch and welcome back to the site. By the word "Without " I actually mean outside, external, the entire body.
"And my outside with radiance to glow "
Thank you so much Swamp -witch I really appreciate your comment so much.

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