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My Faith
Sometimes especially when it is raining
the steps of time become too wide
and cobblestones of moments drown
in the transparent vibrant tide.
Worn down walls are falling on my shoulders
and crumbling sky sends narrow smile of light
indifferently flat and white.
Sometimes it's raining but I always know
there is a door in darkened corner.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Washington DC
Favorite Poets
Matsuo Bashō, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, TS Eliot, William Carlos Williams, Joseph Brodsky, Boris Pasternak, DH Lawrence, Robert Frost
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Comments
lovedly
Thu, 2018-09-06 21:24
Your Faith
Seemingly is crumbling
four- three to two
downwards
now compose one in faith rebuilding
two,three and four
upwards
like the Pyramids of
GIZA
builds faith of many
who live in HOPE
eras afterwards
but none returns
IRiz
Fri, 2018-09-07 08:11
I am glad you noticed the
I am glad you noticed the stanza structure.
I thought the two liner brings the emphasis.
IRiz
author commentlovedly
Thu, 2018-09-06 21:27
e.g
2lines
3
&
4 lines
IRiz
Fri, 2018-09-07 08:12
I know what you mean. I
I know what you mean. I thought about it.
IRiz
author commentIRiz
Fri, 2018-09-07 08:14
Write it for me. Tell what to
Write it for me. Tell what to expect behind the door, a cup of red tea, a gnom in green dress?
IRiz
author commentlovedly
Sun, 2018-09-09 14:19
thanks Irene
but do you think
I have such ability
to see whats happening
behind closed doors of destiny
a cup of tea once did await me
if you recall I came to the door
the bell never rang so I went
since that day did I not repent
why I didn't know an error of judgement
( base 4 mid 3 top 2)
raj
Sun, 2018-09-09 15:29
Hi IRiz
one word for this poem....Exquisite and loved the way you connected door in the corner with the title....there is always a door as long as one has faith...loved this...
.........................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Sun, 2018-09-09 15:24
I wonder why did you start
I wonder why did you start with Rula's name?
IRiz
author commentraj
Sun, 2018-09-09 15:31
Ohhh...apologies ...just an
Ohhh...apologies ...just an error...nothing more than that...I have corrected it now...
........................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Sun, 2018-09-09 20:06
:)
:)
IRiz
author commentRula
Fri, 2018-09-07 05:58
Hello dear IRiz
Some great dark /melancholic imagery.
You set the gloomy mood really well in the first two stanzas, however I felt like the last two lines have been a bit rushed. It might be only me though. Otherwise a very expressive writing.
Many thanks for sharing.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
IRiz
Fri, 2018-09-07 08:09
Hi Rula,
Hi Rula,
Maybe you are right :)
But I wanted to explore whether 4-3-2 line stanzas feel good. Not sure yet.
IRiz
author commentEumolpus
Fri, 2018-09-07 18:10
writing this now
6 pm 9/7, the sky just erupted here in dc with a thunderous rain. Good timing. Lot's of lightning!
I like the poem, but for these two images are too abstract to really allow them to bloom.
"Steps of time", "cobblestones of moments" In a short poem every word counts (well I suppose in a long one too!) and so i think i want a little more coherence on the top end of this poem. The words of these two images sounds good but I cannot put them together, (like a cobblestone being connected to the idea of moments...my inner mind cannot connect them. )
The rain continues outside. I'll look for that trap door to get me out of here!
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
IRiz
Fri, 2018-09-07 23:26
Hi Mark,
Hi Mark,
perhaps it will help to see what I mean if you imagine an cobblestone stairs, then time - stairs, moments - coblestones double metaphor would seem more acceptable.
Also sometimes moments are heavy like stones especially if walls are falling on you.
The door metaphor is much more common use, but I needed it because that is what I believe in.
Thank you for reading, I appreciate your time. Are you having a poetry meeting this Saturday?
IRiz
author commentEumolpus
Sat, 2018-09-08 01:56
Yes
Bring this poem! At 3 pm at Luce center Also tues check meetup dc poetry workshop please come! Details to follow
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Eumolpus
Sun, 2018-09-09 20:12
.
.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Sparrow
Sat, 2018-09-08 03:41
Irene
There is only that last line to put in it should read something like:- I shall look inward and be renewed.
Take care young lady and know that it is always a pleasure to walk with you in all stages of life.
Yours Ian ..x
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
IRiz
Sun, 2018-09-09 15:27
My friend, I know what you
My friend, I know what you mean. It is a clever thought.
The door I mentioned could be in one's soul.
Thank you for reading.
IRiz
author commentlovedly
Sun, 2018-09-09 15:41
did u see
my task above u gave me 234
IRiz
Sun, 2018-09-09 20:08
yes, thank you I did
yes, thank you I did
it sounds great
i am working on organizing my thoughts
it is a tiring process
sorry i did not write a response
i am still with you at heart
IRiz
author commentlovedly
Sun, 2018-09-09 21:35
thanks Irene
glad to know
I have here
a friend in you
in neo
Sparrow
Fri, 2018-10-12 03:24
Irene
Yes the door is always there, no matter what we do or believe.
As you know I write of these things a lot but it is a good habit that I have been asked to do.
Not sure if you have seen the story of Cara the young girl that was ill and one of the children I know visited her through a door in her bedroom,
I have many recordings of the children and it was a few months after writing about Cara, that a little girl called Cara came through, from what we term as the other side I am glad I recorded my talks with the Children as it adds that extra to believing in something and your door as you say was into the soul, there as you drift the other place will show its self to us in a quiet corner..
Yours Ian. x
Cara is on :- yenti.co.uk "The Golden Key"
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
IRiz
Fri, 2018-10-12 08:40
Interesting. I will check it
Interesting. I will check it out
IRiz
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2018-10-11 10:28
Elegant.
I'm having a little play with graphics with text, maybe later video montage with reading.
What do you think of this?
https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/548735535845001594#
May I post it to our Facebook page?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IRiz
Thu, 2018-10-11 18:48
Hi Jess,
Hi Jess,
It looks good.
I wrote the poem with the one of my photos in mind.
You can find it here,
https://plus.google.com/+IreneRiz_phd/posts/21wY9EjUMS3
And yes you can repost and use the words anywhere. It is my pleasure.
Cheers.
Glad to hear from you.
IRiz
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2018-10-11 21:17
much better!
That is what I was really hoping for. Poets supplying their own imagery. I will, of course submit to you for approval the ways I integrate image with words before posting anything.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IRiz
Thu, 2018-10-11 22:33
I trust your taste.
I trust your taste.
IRiz
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