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MY FAIL

Submitted by I Am Peace I Am... on Fri, 2012-05-04 19:29

The sweet deceptions.
These lies to my ears.
They tear me open.
And feed my tears.

The mask.
Covered disguise.
Have been the sweet tooth truth. Not the bitter lies.

The vile acidic reflection.
As I peer into the reflected agony. The big or little correction.
Changed the way my mind prospers.

The mortal realization.
The castles of my own failure.
I am my own creation.
While I am also my own deflation.

I am not the round a bout guy.
The bend over and pick it up where it used to lye.

I am the contraception.
Gone wrong.
I am the infection.
Gone untreated for far too long.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
Here, to all u jerks ;p jk Who made me edit! :D
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Starlight

Fri, 2012-05-04 19:42

Starlight's picture

i liked this a lot. fabulous pattern and marvelous point!!

I Am Peace I Am...

Fri, 2012-05-04 20:51

I Am Peace I Am Buddha's picture

Thank you!! :D I wrote this a while bak :)
Thx for reading it!

Edgar poet

author comment

Lenny of Cohen

Fri, 2012-05-04 23:01

cracking lines. I like the feel of this.

LG

_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent

Wei Wu Wei

I Am Peace I Am...

Fri, 2012-05-04 23:40

I Am Peace I Am Buddha's picture

Thanks for the compliment lenny! :D

Edgar poet

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judyanne

Sat, 2012-05-05 09:28

judyanne's picture
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lol - a bit of a mouthful... can i call you peace?

'i love the opening stanza

but
'lye' = a highly concentrated, aqueous solution of potassium hydroxide or sodium hydroxide
- do you mean 'lie' ?

imho i stress
for aesthetics i would break
'Have been the sweet tooth truth. Not the bitter lies'' into two lines
- 'Have been the sweet tooth truth.
Not the bitter lies.'

also
'As I peer into the reflected agony. The big or little correction'
- 'As I peer into the reflected agony.
The big or little correction'

i really like
'The mortal realization.
The castles of my own failure.
I am my own creation.
While I am also my own deflation.' - but i would drop the 'i am' on this line

and the ending is very powerful
interesting write
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-05-05 12:19

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You don't need to use caps for the whole title; My Fail, would work and wouldn't seem like shouting. In this line:

Changed the way my mind prospers. I suggest instead of "prospers", works, performs, functions, thrives, or, serves. As prospers has a financial conotation.

I really liked these lines:

The mask.
Covered disguise.
Have been the sweet tooth truth. Not the bitter lies.

always, Cat

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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I Am Peace I Am...

Sat, 2012-05-05 12:49

I Am Peace I Am Buddha's picture

Thanks for the ideas! Juy! :D and u can call me edgar if u want:) I just have my name as that bc I'm buddhist:) l
But at the beginnning I have it' Lies' LIike ppl not telling me the truth rips me open.....but thx for saying its a strong write! :D
O. And I did have those on their own line but it didn't move over to the nexrt line:/

Edgar poet

author comment

I Am Peace I Am...

Sat, 2012-05-05 12:51

I Am Peace I Am Buddha's picture

Ya, I always wondered about that prospers word......do u think anything else is wrong with it?? :)
I'm tryin to edit all my poems now. And this is one of the edited ones:)

Edgar poet

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Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-05-05 12:53

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No. It is a wonderful poem, a great read!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I Am Peace I Am...

Sat, 2012-05-05 20:58

I Am Peace I Am Buddha's picture

Thank you! :D

Edgar poet

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emogothgirl

Wed, 2012-05-09 23:43

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i think it's a little choppy, but don't mind me. i'm a sucker for flow and if it rolls off your tongue, perfect, but this obviously doesn't, and wasn't meant to. attempting to set my style aside, i will say that maybe you should put stanza 3 into a different order. i love stanza 4 but the last line bugs me a little. i don't know, i think it's just my need for a solid beat if you're rhyming. despite it all youu've got some words in you man. a powerful write. keep it up.
always,
mag

I Am Peace I Am...

Sun, 2012-05-27 15:47

I Am Peace I Am Buddha's picture

Thanks for the compliments and the advice! ill definitlely try to put them to use, and sorry my reply is so late, i havent been on here in forever!
When i copied my poem from my microsoft word, it screwed up the stanzas. But ya, only some of my poems are suppose to roll off the tongue. that is a good idea about stanza 3! :)
THANKS again:)

Edgar poet

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