Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

my demon

Submitted by sewie smalls on Tue, 2017-07-25 09:41

fear of the unknown my strongest demon
threatening to draw me into its abyssal trench
each day i fight my way out with words, barely living
now i see a dream of being alive
my heartbeat my favorite song
its so loud i cant hear you anymore
dear fear, go away i'm not feeling you anymore

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

the need to write away fear

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

swamp-witch

Thu, 2017-07-27 08:32

Hey Sewie,

Welcome to Neopoet!

I totally relate to this poem. Fear of the unknown holds a lot of people back, and hinders them from seeking opportunities, making their dreams come true, and finding what makes them happy.

You've captured something that probably every member of this community also holds dear: the power of writing. Some people write to vent their emotions, as a creative outlet, or just to remind themselves of their experiences, but for some of us, writing saves us.

If I could make a suggestion, I think the second line needs some attention. "abyssal" is an adjective for "abyss" so you either need to change "abyssal" to "abyss" or add a noun after "abyssal" to make the thought complete. I like the idea of keeping "abyssal" and adding an extra word. Something like "pit" or "trench" or "grave" or another word that expresses the deepness and darkness you're describing.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Take care,
Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

Community guidelines: https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

sewie smalls

Fri, 2017-07-28 09:01