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My car a submarine
On the last day of work
I left the squatting edifice,
I had been serving
for a number of long
and indistinguishable years,
in no particular hurry.
I drove for a couple of blocks.
I did not care to rush.
I felt as if I was floating
on the wave of Thursday,
transparent and calm.
Under the blinking bore
of the street lights
I saw other fish like me
following their own
sound tracks
into the grey underwater
of coffee whelms,
and predictable wrecks
of their own dull stories.
Fish on the left
had changed her lane.
Fish on the right had died.
A woman on the sidewalk.
New shoes on the old coblstone.
Overgrown flower beds.
Ivy climbing the bridge pylons.
I always drive by and watch them,
and when they approach me sometimes,
I never roll down my windows.
I don't interfere. I am an observer.
But I ask often,
"Why I am not out there walking,
hugging people, laughing with them
or maybe just simply talking
about something unimportant?"
Today I've decided to fix it.
I stop the car, try to open
the door, and
I am flooded
and carried away with that same
familiar wave
of innocent looking
Thursday!
Observing and living life
apparently isn't the same.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
Last few words:
The poem is inspired by the William Carlos Williams lines
But observe
the oppressive weight
of the squat edifice!
Observe
the jasmine lightness
of the moon.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Washington DC
Favorite Poets
Matsuo Bashō, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, TS Eliot, William Carlos Williams, Joseph Brodsky, Boris Pasternak, DH Lawrence, Robert Frost
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Comments
gregwa8
Sun, 2018-05-06 00:34
"squatting edifice" "wave of
"squatting edifice" "wave of Thursdays" "coffee whelms". I like the language in this. it is intriguing and demands a number of reads, though it is still something of a mystery. it has very vivid imagery. underwater absurdist kinda thing going on.
IRiz
Sun, 2018-05-06 09:11
Hi Gregwa8,
Hi Gregwa8,
Thank you for reading and commenting.
The squatting edifice came from William Carlos Williams. It is a haunting image, I agree.
You completely get the vibe. Our everyday life is a bit of an absurd if one looks at it with a fresh eye.
IRiz
author commentraj
Sun, 2018-05-06 05:13
Hi IRiz
I liked the theme but I would wait to see how you tweak this up. To me it had many speed breakers.
..........................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
tyro
Sun, 2018-05-06 07:44
I very much like your title
I very much like your title where you compare your car to a submarine separating you from life outside of its windows. There can also be connections made with inside the vehicle and life outside of it. I particularly liked stanza six when you decided to be a many worlded amphibian.
"How was my language use?":
If " squating edifice" (squatting) is an actual building, then in the next line you say you serve the building, instead of saying serve in the building. If it is meant a symbol for something else than serves is ok.
I really like coffee whelms, but at first it sounded strange to my ears as whelm is a verb, which you seem to be using here as a noun. I like this stanza a lot as it gives more clarity to the title.
A woman on the sidewalk.
New shoes on the old coblstone.
Overgrown flower beds.
Ivy climbing the bridge pylons. this stanza is without a verb. It causes no problems and if well understood, but as you asked about language use, I thought I should mention it.
The next remark I am not sure of, just a thought. If you say, I decided to fix it today< I would expect you to stay in the past tense. but after saying "I've decided..." seems an introduction the present tense would be stronger..
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
IRiz
Sun, 2018-05-06 16:28
Thank you so much, Tyro,
Thank you so much, Tyro,
You constructive commentism is what I need.
The squatting edifice (William Carlos Williams) is simbol of the building and organization my character worked for so the intent is to use the verb serve.
Whelm is archaic and used as noun in a sense of
an act or instance of flowing or heaping up abundantly; a surge. I wanted to use it because it is beautiful and strong and takes the reader into slightly different universe where my poem lives.
Thank you for the suggested change in the last stanza tense. I edited the poem.
IRiz
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2018-05-08 16:19
I understood...
and liked the use of the word [whelm], it does seem a very strong use. Nice work! ~ Geezer.
.
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IRiz
Tue, 2018-05-08 16:29
Thank you, it is an archaic
Thank you, it is an archaic word. I am glad to hear your thoughts on it.
IRiz
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