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Musings in a Hospital Lab Waiting Room

Submitted by Race_9togo on Tue, 2014-01-14 20:36

lounging in
the barren faceless room
waiting for another
round of piss
and blood tests
so the parasites
can gauge how soon
it'll be before
my own heart
kills me
and stops their payments

I look around and
watch the faces of
scared pathetic animals
trying desperately to
hold on to lives
no longer worth
the living

as if they know
the yawning pit
of Hell awaits
when they're
already
in its jaws

And I think
there's not a
fucking chance
that I will ever
end my days
as they are

clinging to existance
like mindless limpits

thoughtless chunks
of slowly-breathing
human flesh
nourished by
illusions
of good health

staving off
inevitable death
with pills and needles
and the soft
concerned voices
of those who
simply see them
as another
meal ticket

I would rather die
than exist within
the smell of shit
I can't clean off
my own backside

take my life before
they give me
more than I desire
or need
and I'll be long dead
before
they milk as much
as they can from
my slowed-down death
and unload
my living carcass
into a human warehouse

I'll spill blood
before that happens,
die quickly,
and be free

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

weirdelf

Wed, 2014-01-15 07:34

weirdelf's picture
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I can't gage/gauge how it will affect others but it affected me deeply.
Which brings up what I thought was a typo but gage and gauge both work.
can gauge how soon.

you haven't lost it, Jim, would love to see more of your work.

cheers,
Jess
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Race_9togo

Thu, 2014-01-16 23:57

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I guess i just got pissed off, on this particular day.
It's funny, but now that I read it again, I experience a pang of guilt, since I have a wife and children. It seems selfish, not to stay alive as long as possible. But in the end I think its better to just leave, drop off the world and be done with it, rather than subject myself and them to a slow, excruciating demise.
Good to know that I still have it!
Better to know that the Weirdelf enjoyed it!

Thanks Jess.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Seren

Wed, 2014-01-15 09:56

Seren's picture

Its been awhile but as Jess says you still have it I was gladdened to see a posting from you, I have to say I was deeply affected by your words and my heart dropped for you knowing your history as I do and it made me worry, but after reading I was reminded of Dylan Thomas's

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

don't ask me why but your words made me think of it

I'll spill blood
before that happens,
die quickly,
and be free

I'm with you

so good to see you Jim big hugs

my love always JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Race_9togo

Fri, 2014-01-17 00:10

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Just feeling sorry for myself, lol. But it profoundly affects me, when I see a room full of people whose sole purpose seems to have become this need to stay alive as long as possible, to the detriment of all else.
Its really just fear, of course, and given the society we live in, I suppose you can't really blame them for being scared - its just one more thing to be afraid of, like crime and poverty and homelessness and hunger and government and theft and bills and-
I mean most of them have spent their lives being fearful. I guess you feel differently, once you've gotten dead, then come back. It's really no big deal, and its interesting, how the elimination of that fear of dying seems to make one free.
Dylan Thomas...oh yeah, that's exactly it. Wish I could lay it out as well as he does.
:)

Thanks Jayne.

<<large and tight virtual hug>>

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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Rula

Fri, 2014-01-17 09:28

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I'm sorry you should have gone through this experience, but it resulted to a nice poem. I really enjoyed. I think fear is something humane we shouldn't be shame of.
Thanks for sharing.

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Race_9togo

Mon, 2014-01-20 18:35

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Its okay, I just needed to blow of some steam, and I'd rather do it with poetry, than subject those I love to my stupid anger and frustration.

Fear can be a healthy emotion. It keeps a person alive, and makes for good judgement when coupled with rational thinking and common sense.
Fear is also a negative emotion. It is used by many to force others into compliance with one law or another. In this aspect, fear is anathema, since it used by one set of people to dominate another, and hence is a limit to human freedom that I personally believe we could all do without, and should strive to eliminate.

However, for those who fear death to the point that it turns their life into a miserable desparation of scrabbling to stay alive, I have nothing but contempt.

Glad that you enjoyed my poem, Rula.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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