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A Murder (inspired by John Berryman, Dreams Songs).

There settles down, doggedly, a notion
in Mary’s mind, a fierce fixation; if she tries
one hundred times or more, repenting,
restless, in all her wide-eyed nights,
to revert or terminate these terrors, she finds
always in her eyes there start again
specks, flutters, those same darned flies.

There’s a weight upon her heart,
like an antique jade vase,
positioned by a silk curtain,
determined to perpetuate her fears.
A weight she can’t budge from her side,
an errant load she cossets, of nothing certain,
wondering…

Mary never had, as she fancied she might,
murdered anyone in sight,
sliced the corpse up, thrown arms and legs
into the lake, where they’d not be found with net,
nor dredge, nor by an alibi she’d faked.

Mary knows: she counts everyone
twice over, and tots up, by sunset,
that somebody is missing;
and so downcast, she thinking sits,
…upset.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I was reading John Berryman and thought I would use a female character, instead of Henry.
Editing stage: 

Comments

come back to this after I have read some John Berryman. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Thank you, Alan, I see that I need to remove some of the adjectives. You always nab the parts that are wrong, I'll be revising asap. Don't know what contest it would be suitable for, but perhaps one will turn up.
Cheers!

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

author comment

I see that there is a stream of thought consciousness about his work and you seem to have captured the spirit of it alright.
I like that Mary tots up the numbers and finds someone missing. I'm wondering if maybe she might be mistaken and killed someone after all? Cogitation is demanded here. Nice work, ~ Gee.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Thank you for returning, Geez. I'll be doing some editing. Maybe Mary did kill somebody, I'm not sure myself. It's all a bit crazy.
Cheers from Patagonia, we're finally having a lovely Autumn. Had a walk along our earth road with my daughter.

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

author comment

Alan, I already put "errant" as you suggested. Also removed another adjective that got in the way.
Grateful for any more suggestions.

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

author comment
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