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A Murder (inspired by John Berryman, Dreams Songs).

There settles down, doggedly, a notion
in Mary’s mind, a fierce fixation; if she tries
one hundred times or more, repenting,
restless, in all her wide-eyed nights,
to revert or terminate these terrors, she finds
always in her eyes there start again
specks, flutters, those same darned flies.

There’s a weight upon her heart,
like an antique jade vase,
positioned by a silk curtain,
determined to perpetuate her fears.
A weight she can’t budge from her side,
an errant load she cossets, of nothing certain,
wondering…

Mary never had, as she fancied she might,
murdered anyone in sight,
sliced the corpse up, thrown arms and legs
into the lake, where they’d not be found with net,
nor dredge, nor by an alibi she’d faked.

Mary knows: she counts everyone
twice over, and tots up, by sunset,
that somebody is missing;
and so downcast, she thinking sits,
…upset.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I was reading John Berryman and thought I would use a female character, instead of Henry.
Editing stage: 

Comments

come back to this after I have read some John Berryman. ~ Geezer.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

good which respectfully acknowledges JB, Gracy.
Your language use is good (as usual)
Rhythm etc. keeps the story going okay. Very subtle use of rhyming here. (I wonder if it might pay to shorten the word 'outlandish' in St 2, L 6? Something like 'an errant load she cossets')
Mystic theme appeals to me
Beginning is good and last stanza, which ties the piece up, is possibly a (semi) envoi.
Logic is consistent throughout, around Mary.

I liked your poem very much. I think that you have the distance right, lends itself perfectly to a contest poem.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Thank you, Alan, I see that I need to remove some of the adjectives. You always nab the parts that are wrong, I'll be revising asap. Don't know what contest it would be suitable for, but perhaps one will turn up.
Cheers!

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*
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Know then thyself, presume not God to scan,
The proper study of Mankind is Man.
Plac’d on this isthmus of a middle state,
A being darkly wise, and rudely great….

An Essay On Man, III, Alexander Pope.

author comment

I see that there is a stream of thought consciousness about his work and you seem to have captured the spirit of it alright.
I like that Mary tots up the numbers and finds someone missing. I'm wondering if maybe she might be mistaken and killed someone after all? Cogitation is demanded here. Nice work, ~ Gee.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

Thank you for returning, Geez. I'll be doing some editing. Maybe Mary did kill somebody, I'm not sure myself. It's all a bit crazy.
Cheers from Patagonia, we're finally having a lovely Autumn. Had a walk along our earth road with my daughter.

*
*
*
Know then thyself, presume not God to scan,
The proper study of Mankind is Man.
Plac’d on this isthmus of a middle state,
A being darkly wise, and rudely great….

An Essay On Man, III, Alexander Pope.

author comment

Alan, I already put "errant" as you suggested. Also removed another adjective that got in the way.
Grateful for any more suggestions.

*
*
*
Know then thyself, presume not God to scan,
The proper study of Mankind is Man.
Plac’d on this isthmus of a middle state,
A being darkly wise, and rudely great….

An Essay On Man, III, Alexander Pope.

author comment
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