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From A Mother's Diary

Submitted by Rula on Thu, 2016-04-07 10:31

She'd hush the howling
moon and the exploded
cocoons for the sake
of her sick toddler;

she hummed lullabies,
sometimes for long hours
for the baby to sleep,

now she too needs a rest.

Yeah! She'd finally
get a few minutes
before the sick baby's
up again.

Dragging her legs
to the living room
she let her dreams drown
in the brown leather couch.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

alidzain

Thu, 2016-04-07 19:16

Salam, Rula

very clear imagery. I always wonder where mums got the strength to care for their babies at night.

Alid

Rula

Fri, 2016-04-08 02:54

Thank you Khalid

May God always help all the moms. It's never easy to be a mother.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Keith Logan

Thu, 2016-04-07 21:07

may also play their part. A baby does not have to be ill to keep it's parents up. I know I used to do much of the night shift to allow my wife some time to breath easily. Having said that, I like what you have written. One slight nit,
she'd allow her dreams to drown
or
She'd let her dreams drown

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Rula

Fri, 2016-04-08 03:08

thank you Keith

For the visit. I think this has to do with the Arab culture. During the first early years of the kid's life 90% of the burden lies on the mother's shoulder especially if she's a house-wife. Hence come my words.
Saying so, I still appreciate each father.
Thank you

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
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author comment

eightmenout

Thu, 2016-04-07 23:52

Dearest Rula

Great theme. Although, as a father, I agree with Mr Logan.

As for the poetry, S1 fails in logic. Neither the moon nor a cocoon make noise. The meter is inconsistent and I think it could be more concise and benefit from some interior rhyme.

As always, this is just muy humble opinion. Please correct me where I'm wrong.

Thanks for posting

Scott

Rula

Fri, 2016-04-08 03:16

Thank you Scott

Let's take them one by one. It's not that I don't agree with you, but the exageration is intended in the 1st Stanza.
I need your honest opinion if such exageration works.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
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author comment

eightmenout

Fri, 2016-04-08 04:56

Dearest Rula

It would if you animate them (ex. Howling moon and exploding cocoon)

Scott

Rula

Fri, 2016-04-08 09:01

Thanks again Scott

I did the edits implementating the suggestions.
I also did some major edits concerning the rhythm though I read once that a rough rhythm would perfectly suit such a poem, as it describes the tired mom. But I also trust your poetic knowledge and appreciate your honesty.
Hope it reads better now.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

eightmenout

Fri, 2016-04-08 09:28

Dearest Rula

To me this is much better, but still has a coupe items to address.

Dragging and tired are redundant. I think you can replace tired with a different word.

And now to the big one (I'm not as tired as I was last night) she threw herself into her dreams, but only got five minutes. This is another break in logic as she would not have made it to the dream state. I don't believe this is all that bad, though. Perhaps she throws herself to her dreams and maybe even misses the brown couch

Humbly

Scott

Rula

Fri, 2016-04-08 09:53