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Mother

Submitted by lostpoetfound on Fri, 2019-11-15 11:48

The water
Was getting cold
When you entered
The bathroom,
To see
If I had washed
Correctly.

Bending down
To hook
A loose strand
Of wet hair
In place
Behind my ear
With one hand
While gently cradling
My cheek
In the other.

Your eyes left
Burning questions
Deep within
That silence
You seem to create
Wherever you went.

As I numbed within
My desperate need
To be loved,
You reached
Into that cold water,
Clouded by my day’s
Abstract play.

Both of us
Left searching
For something
That will never
Be found.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I had another poem planned to put on first...but this is something I need to get right. For obvious reasons. I apologize for the starkness and subject matter...
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

lostpoetfound

Mon, 2019-11-18 18:42

lostpoetfound's picture

Thank you, I will address some of the things once my life slows down a little, never even owned a cell phone, so you can imagine. I really like what you wrote with The last Stanza Hmmm. The poem itself needs a bit more flesh, and I believe with that a transition will come. This poem is not an easy one, but by letting it go I except who I am and what made me. Thanks, I will be back,

Robert G. Fredeen

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2019-11-18 21:28

Geezer's picture
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Neo. on your phone BWO Google, I used to do it, I keep forgetting my passwords though and am tired of creating new ones. LoL But it can be done! ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Geezer

Sun, 2019-11-17 12:19

Geezer's picture
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to Neopoet. I hope you do find your voice here. I'm so sorry that you lost all that work, but here you have a chance to start anew. you will find that we work hard at giving the best critique we can and making you feel at home. I was stumped at the use of the word [kook], I am going to assume that you meant ]tucked]. I have a good idea of what this poem is about and if I am correct, it takes some courage to write about it. We feel that there aren't many subjects that are taboo and support your right to write about mostly whatever you like. You are free to express your opinion about anything that you read here, but there are no personal attacks. If you have any questions, just ask and someone help you. Good luck and I hope that we will see more of your writing. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

lostpoetfound

Mon, 2019-11-18 18:39

lostpoetfound's picture

Hook, supposed to be. My life has been crazy beautiful, I might have put this poem in too soon. I will be back to addressed some of the comments. Thank you.

Robert G. Fredeen

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2019-11-18 21:46

Geezer's picture
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I got it now! hook it is. Glad to see you fixed the typo. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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