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MOON MODE

Submitted by Jackweb on Fri, 2023-02-03 09:14

The ruddy moon
leans over a hedge
to light with a reddish glow
the country side
what ails you?

I have come
to spy the sky
with a wistful stars
thanks to the sunset
for this revelation

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2023-02-03 14:10

Nice...

I really like this, I see in mind's eye, a huge "Harvest Moon"
I have taken the liberty of rearranging the lines of the first stanza
so that it makes a little better sense to me. Maybe I have misinterpreted
the theme? I would so like to see a question mark after the line: "what ails you."

The ruddy moon
lean[s] over a hedge
to [light] with a reddish glow
the [countryside]
What ails you?

I have come
to spy the sky
with wistful stars
thanks to the sunset
for this revelation

As you well know, my suggestions are only that, suggestions. This is your work
do as you will with it. ~ Geez.
.

This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place

Jackweb

Fri, 2023-02-03 15:26

Your critique

Is always a good one to be adhered to. Thanks for the eagle eye esteemed poet. Will definitely put it through.
.

"Time will crush on us if we don't utilize it. Just remember, you're an element of time".

~Jackweb

author comment

Geezer

Fri, 2023-02-03 19:53

Always...

glad to help, Jack. Thanks for your participation. ~ Geez.
.

This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place

Lavender

Fri, 2023-02-03 20:06

Moon Mode

Oh, my goodness, Jackweb. What a beauty! So, here I go again, placing myself within a lovely, lovely poem! I can feel myself standing near the hedge, and the incredible, ruddy moon dips down to actually speak with me. What a tenderhearted imagination you have. And what do I say? "I have come to spy the sky with wistful stars!" So simple that it is profound. For me, there are poems that have "the touch" that really define what poetry can do to a reader. This is one of them.
Lav

Jackweb

Fri, 2023-02-03 21:36