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Moon For Lilith

Not chaste, nor goddess.
Lifted and dropped in wild sand.
Wings, clipped and fed to him.
The book labeled you as demonic and evil. Scarred your sacrament as mother of all sin.
The seductresses can feel you in all her bare beauty.
The quiet power, the owl and the snake, on your shoulder. The canine howls for you still.
As I gaze, saddened and scarred, full of passion, overflowing, your touch brings my healing.
On the moon, your light cannot be dimmed.
Shine and glow, silent and yet you speak.
Whispering through wild woods and language of creatures....." I have always been with you."

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Just a rough draft.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I love the images and the dark elements of mysticism and mythology. "Wings clipped and fed to him" is especially evocative. It seems like a whole new take on what happens to angels when they fall from grace, to me.

If I could make a suggestion, it would be to break up the longer lines so they better match the shorter lines. I think this would improve the flow of the poem.

Something like these line breaks would give the poem the literary device enjambment:

Not chaste, nor goddess.
Lifted and dropped in wild sand.
Wings, clipped and fed to him.
The book labeled you as
demonic and evil. Scarred your sacrament as mother of all sin.
The seductresses can feel you in all her bare beauty.
The quiet power, the owl and the snake,
on your shoulder. The canine howls for you still.
As I gaze, saddened and scarred, full of passion,
overflowing, your touch brings my healing.
On the moon, your light cannot be dimmed.
Shine and glow, silent and yet you speak.
Whispering through wild woods and
language of creatures....." I have always been with you."

Or this if you want line breaks to follow the punctuation:

Not chaste, nor goddess.
Lifted and dropped in wild sand.
Wings, clipped and fed to him.
The book labeled you as demonic and evil.
Scarred your sacrament as mother of all sin.
The seductresses can feel you in all her bare beauty.
The quiet power, the owl and the snake, on your shoulder.
The canine howls for you still.
As I gaze, saddened and scarred, full of passion, overflowing;
Your touch brings my healing.
On the moon, your light cannot be dimmed.
Shine and glow, silent and yet you speak.
Whispering through wild woods and language of creatures.....
" I have always been with you."

With this version I made a little change to the punctuation at "overflowing", which I think works for the flow since "Your touch brings me healing" is a complete thought.

Please forgive me if it looks like I'm trying to rewrite your poem. There just isn't an easy way to show where line breaks could go without transcribing the whole poem into the comment. I just wanted to show a few examples of what the line breaks could look like if you decide that you would like to make changes. The choice is totally yours if you want to make a change or what the change will look like.

Really looking forward to reading more of your work. Loved this first submission!

Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

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