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Monster
She was destined to be the villain,
for her story had already been written
and the monster's that lived within her dreams, she had swore to never be,
but her fate was written
and she was forced to succumb to that hateful destiny
a happy ending was never promised but an unfulfilled wish now forgotten.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is my first time writing a poem. I am open to any kind of feedback/ constructive criticism, anything that will help me improve my writing. I will be grateful for any opinion on my poem and/or writing skills, thankyou.
have not decided on title so any suggestions would be much appreciated.
- mariah/ Xanadu
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Xanadu
Sat, 2021-03-13 18:11
Dear Teddy,
thankyou so much for that comment, I absolutely love the way you edited my poem, it
makes the sentences flow and makes you perceive the poem better.
yes, the ending has become much more clear.
Again, thankyou so much.
- mariah
author commentGeezer
Sat, 2021-03-13 10:40
You have...
the bones of a very good poem here. I suggest that you read a lot of poetry and find themes that you like. Don't be afraid to experiment. A dictionary can be of immense help. [Not that you misspelled anything, but it helps to have a lot of words and their meanings when you write rhyme.] Welcome to Neo. I hope that you will find what you need here. We are always ready to help and many will give you advice. You don't have to use everything that is given to you, just what you feel is useful. Good luck and keep writing. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Xanadu
Sat, 2021-03-13 19:33
Dear Geezer,
Thank you so much for the advice and tips, I am always open to anything that will help make me a better writer. :)
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2021-03-13 16:28
Welcome to the asylum lol
I enjoyed your poem and will pass along something hand to me years ago. If you want to improve your poetry, read it out loud. it's amazing the flaws which reveal themselves by doing this one thing. Holler if you have questions...stan
Xanadu
Sat, 2021-03-13 19:35
Scribbler,
I appreciate that tip thanks!
author commentArrow
Sun, 2021-03-14 21:37
I echo Geezer's suggestion
to read a lot of poems. I like to try and mimic the forms of the poems I like to practice and to help shape my own voice. In reading your poem, I like the near rhyme I hear: villain/written, be/destiny/dream. One thing I would suggest is to avoid repeating yourself, unless you're trying to create some specific effect (like in a Pantoum). Here you have the same idea twice:
her story had already been written and her fate was written. I think Teddy tried to give this a little variety in her re-write.
Welcome to the site.