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MOMENTARY CONFUSION (final assignment rhyme crimes)
I wearily rise to my feet
as setting sun and tree line meet
For I've been hunting winter's meat
in this instance a futile feat
alternate 1st stanza
I wearily rise to my feet
then suddenly I take a pause
as bobcat stalks on silent paws
for him an ordinary feat
Crackling joints shout their pain
complaining of abuse and age
cackling turkeys rise to their roost
remaining barely out of sight
Ere dark I descend from my tree
alone, just me within this hollow
most folk refuse to follow here
where deer are scarce and land is rough
So I start the long walk in the dark
I'm tired though oddly happy too
bright stars appear as I depart
dense woods now have become stark
Now clouds blot out the northern star
which is the way to my old truck?
is it near or is it far?
I guess that I'm lost, What the........?
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
OK ,while I wrote this I realized that the changing rhyme structure qualified this as a morphing poem
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
judyanne
Fri, 2012-06-22 13:07
i repeat my crit on your blog stan
with some additions lol
tiny picks on the rhythm
'Ere dark I descend from my tree' (slightly short and scanson out )
'So I start the long walk in the dark' (a tad too long)
i'd suggest
'Ere dark, descending from my tree'
'So I start the walk in the dark'
and now you've added it, the second version of first stanza's scansion is a tad out
as for
'Crackling joints shout their pain
complaining of abuse and age
cackling turkeys rise up to their roost
remaining barely out of site' (typo - sight)
you have only dactyl rhymes for two lines
complaining / remaining
Crackling joints
cackling turk (eys) doesn't rhyme
and still not sure of the 'surprise' at the end - lol as soon as i read truck my mind hit the other word :)
great third and fourth stanzas
an enjoyable read as per usual from you scribbles
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Sun, 2012-06-24 04:55
I find difficulty critting here,
because I'm not sure of your intent. As Wesley said elsewhere in this workshop, perhaps each poem should have been accompanied with a statement of intent.
Because "perfect", or whatever the word is for rhymes like 'meet' and 'meat' should never ever be used as end rhymes, even in an exercise, though they can be handy to create a sound image within a stanza.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sun, 2012-06-24 08:11
Hi Jess
I'm fairly certain that I followed the shop instructions pretty closely. In the 1st stanza instructions were to use identical rhymes in end rhyme abba scheme, 2nd stanza was to be abab but with rhymes at beginning of each verse. 3rd stanza rhyme pattern was to use last word of 1st verse for an interior rhyme in next and so on. 4th stanza was to use unpatterned rhyme to add emphasis. 5th stanza was optional to use whatever pattern we wanted but to end it with a mind rhyme in which the unprinted rhyme was obvious although not in sight.
The only times I've written anything like this in the past was in a" morphing" form. And this is simalar as the rhyme pattern change from standard to almost free verse. Hope this addled your brain as much as it did mine lol........stan
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2012-08-06 03:24
ok, I see what you're doing
all I can really say is that I can see Wesley has taught you a lot about the subtleties, nuances and variations of rhyme use. I'm dead jealous of his effectiveness! If I didn't need him back so much I would send his computer another virus. I did not say that.
Well done mate.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Mon, 2012-08-06 09:50
hi Jess
Appears you are doing much better. This last assignment has shown me why so many abandon rhyme for free verse. Trying to get all these different types rhyme into 1 poem was a pain. Thanks for dropping by........stan
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