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MODERN MEDICINE
Shaman, Shaman dance for me
for I need your magic now
as sure death grows within me
use ancestors' knowing how
O great Shaman cast your spell
in this dim lit house of glass
ban what makes me fell unwell
I'm not ready yet to pass
Shaman....Doctor mix your potions
bite me with needles of steel
let machines of wonder record the motions
of doom pulsing from crown to heel
Doctor....Shaman...Medicine Man
I read my fate within your eyes
your ju-ju has done all it can
now I'll await final surprise
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2012-03-26 03:30
hey Stan
This is a great poem. Love reading this perfect on target
4 tetrameter 7 syllables poem in the first two stanzas
In stanza 3 you changed rhythm in first line to
4 tetrameter 8 syllables
then back to
4 tetrameter 7 syllables in second line.
in third line you jump to 11 syllables
then back to
4 tetrameter 8 syllables in forth line
then in last stanza all
4 lines are 4 tetrameter 8 syllables. great read.
my suggestion is to make the whole poem either tetrameter or octameter
some poets write mixed meters very well, so you can do that but flow must work to make poem effective or just work on the third stanza so it will flow with stanzas 1and 2 or 4.
otherwise great poem.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
scribbler
Mon, 2012-03-26 13:02
Hi Meter maid lol
I actually let the meter drift on purpose to emphasize time and mood changes. But I Do appreciate the time it took you to analyze the changes.........stan
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2012-03-26 22:31
meter maid lol; just caught that
Adding our own differences to poetry can be a good. I suppose my mood ran in the opposite direction. lol
the third stanza simply stumble in flow for me as I sing the meter in my head in a steady count of all syllables having the same rhythm
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
scribbler
Mon, 2012-03-26 13:50
hi
I expect it's the 3rd line of 3rd stanza that causes the trip?..........stan
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2012-03-26 16:31
yes that's it
Reading modern medicine I did enjoy otherwise.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
scribbler
Mon, 2012-03-26 21:57
ah ha
I'll scratch my head and various other parts and see what alternative I can come up with that doesn't lose message......stan
Candlewitch
Mon, 2012-03-26 12:26
Dear Stan,
You really hit the nail on the head with this image filled poem! I wonder though... In this line:
now I'll await final suprise
did you mean surprise?
an enjoyable write to be sure!
always, Cat
*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Mon, 2012-03-26 13:07
hi Cat
I actually Do preview my stuff but I must often see what I mean instead of what's there lol. Thanks for the typo spot and for dropping by...........stan