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MODERN MEDICINE

Shaman, Shaman dance for me
for I need your magic now
as sure death grows within me
use ancestors' knowing how

O great Shaman cast your spell
in this dim lit house of glass
ban what makes me fell unwell
I'm not ready yet to pass

Shaman....Doctor mix your potions
bite me with needles of steel
let machines of wonder record the motions
of doom pulsing from crown to heel

Doctor....Shaman...Medicine Man
I read my fate within your eyes
your ju-ju has done all it can
now I'll await final surprise

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
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Comments

This is a great poem. Love reading this perfect on target
4 tetrameter 7 syllables poem in the first two stanzas

In stanza 3 you changed rhythm in first line to
4 tetrameter 8 syllables
then back to
4 tetrameter 7 syllables in second line.
in third line you jump to 11 syllables
then back to
4 tetrameter 8 syllables in forth line

then in last stanza all
4 lines are 4 tetrameter 8 syllables. great read.

my suggestion is to make the whole poem either tetrameter or octameter
some poets write mixed meters very well, so you can do that but flow must work to make poem effective or just work on the third stanza so it will flow with stanzas 1and 2 or 4.

otherwise great poem.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I actually let the meter drift on purpose to emphasize time and mood changes. But I Do appreciate the time it took you to analyze the changes.........stan

author comment

Adding our own differences to poetry can be a good. I suppose my mood ran in the opposite direction. lol

the third stanza simply stumble in flow for me as I sing the meter in my head in a steady count of all syllables having the same rhythm

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I expect it's the 3rd line of 3rd stanza that causes the trip?..........stan

author comment

Reading modern medicine I did enjoy otherwise.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I'll scratch my head and various other parts and see what alternative I can come up with that doesn't lose message......stan

author comment

You really hit the nail on the head with this image filled poem! I wonder though... In this line:

now I'll await final suprise

did you mean surprise?

an enjoyable write to be sure!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I actually Do preview my stuff but I must often see what I mean instead of what's there lol. Thanks for the typo spot and for dropping by...........stan

author comment
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