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Mind, Heart, and Soul
Success isn't just my hobby
It's infectious, it's my addiction
It isn't just a goal I have in mind
Success is a quest, it's a mission
I no longer say that I have dreams
Because dreams, they don't come true
Now I only admit to having goals
The outcome, which depends on you
You can't control what life throws you
Change the plan, but never the goal
Success takes not only endless effort
But passion in your Mind, Heart, your Soul
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Sun, 2023-02-05 06:51
Perfect
I love your attitude
Tim
Shelby Pryor
Sun, 2023-02-05 18:29
Rosewood Apothecary
Thank you! That means so much to me!
author commentGeezer
Sun, 2023-02-05 12:28
In the face...
of such good work, it may seem like
a little nit-picking to mention that the meter seems
a fraction off in a couple of lines, but I will point them out anyway.
I see that the line: "The outcome of which depends on you."
could be improved by deleting the word [of] and putting a comma
between outcome and which.
The other line is:"But passion in your Mind, Heart, and Soul"
Maybe say; But passion in your Mind, your Heart, your Soul.
I like the theme, the title is good and it starts well and flows smoothly to the end.
Nice job. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rosewood Apothecary
Sun, 2023-02-05 15:49
Good looking
I’m always on the fence about the meter. Sometimes I feel like it needs to be just so and sometimes I like to let it float if it feels good. You’re great at that sort of stuff for sure. I’ve moved some things plenty of times based on your suggestions.
I actually didn’t catch these. Not enough coffee perhaps.
Tim
Shelby Pryor
Sun, 2023-02-05 18:30
Geezer
You're right, I can see that now. Thank you so much for pointing that out. Thank you so much for the kind words, I really appreciate it!
author commentRoseBlack
Sun, 2023-02-05 13:29
A strong
positive message! Good job!
~RoseBlack~
Shelby Pryor
Sun, 2023-02-05 18:32
RoseBlack
Thank you so much! I'm glad it had the effect I wanted!
author comment