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Military Madness

Submitted by Benjamin1987 on Mon, 2012-04-02 12:06

The bark of an AK-47
crack of a sniper bullet
nowhere to be seen
cries for a medic
being heard in every direction

On the six o’clock news
nothing but sadness
“Unit X was ambushed today”
“X amount of soldiers
Have died so far”

On the home front
cries of protest erupt
people saying this is
just another Vietnam
while yellow ribbon
flies in the air

The bureaucratic fat cats
sitting behind their desks
lining their pockets
with the money of
the dead and the innocent

Why are we
still at war
and the dove
of peace not flown
with its olive branch

Our boys need
to come home
living their lives
without fear of
being blown up

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-04-03 04:13

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but I can't help feeling you are saying nothing new in any new way. Is new-ness automatically good? Perhaps not. but cliche should be studiously avoided.

cheers,
Jess
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judyanne

Tue, 2012-04-03 08:37

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'On the six o’clock news
nothing but bad news'
using the same word twice – especially so close together causes the reader to pause
can I suggest
‘On the six o’clock news
nothing but sadness’ (or some other thought you prefer to convey)

I have to say I disagree with jess
this is a message that needs to be repeated over and over
no matter how cliché it may become

well said
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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