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Metaphysical guilt

Confined in your mind,
there’s nothing left to improvise
apart from what little life remains;
inside your head some scars are drowning you,
they leave you in the sweat of the unwise.

Inviting death to share your bed...
It’s just a ghastly way of cheating fate –
this guilt that always tears apart
the entrails of your shadow’s hate.

Scour the darkness from your eyes,
peel the skins and rip the flesh
of those who died inside your head.
Learn the anatomy of lies
and wait for death to share your bed
or walk a mile in your lost shoes
to sense a feeling of demise.

This guilt that never goes away,
a pain that never talks, nor dreams,
a metaphysics of demise:
The silence in your head
that screams.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

So much pain in this read. Guilt can eat away at someone. It was a good descriptive piece. Flowed nicely for me. My only one thing I noticed (and it’s picky) but you say demise twice, three lines apart. I would try and change one of those for something else. Otherwise I enjoyed your piece today

Many thanks

LG

Thank you for the feedback, it's pertinent and worth taking into consideration.
I'll see if I can come up with something better for either one of those instances where "demise"
appears as a repetition. I don't feel very inspired lately to be quite frank.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed this piece!

Cheers,
Ionut Popa

author comment

certainly dark and dreary! My only criticism is that, you say in line four; "some scars are drowning you inside your head."
Try as I might; I cannot envision [scars] as being able to [drown] someone. ~ Geezer.
.

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Thanks for the feedback, I understand your criticism.
I don't know, I think it sounded better in my head when I wrote that line as such.
The idea, or better yet what I wanted to say, was something along the lines of "you drown in the scars within your head".
Perhaps I could work a bit more on this particular line (or image), so as not to sound awkward.

Cheers,
Ionut Popa

author comment

I changed "some scars are drowning you inside your head" to "inside your head some scars are drowning you",
I'm just curious whether it makes any difference now in terms of how the message is being received.

Cheers!
Ionut Popa

author comment
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