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A Message To A Friend (An Elizabethan Sonnet)

When life is stained with shades of grim and grey,
you find yourself, a wreck, engulfed in pain.
It chokes your voice and claims you as its prey,
the tears of rage you cry will pour like rain.

You try to crawl away to free your heart,
the one that time has ravaged , stretched a mile.
As all your hopes and dreams are torn apart,
your soul's defeat has left a taste so vile.

Do not despair and bow your head in shame!
Just let your will define your strength, my friend.
Be bold, be strong, be you the burning flame,
in time you'll see the storm of strife will end.

I always pray for your return, my dear,
though out of sight, in spirit you are near.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This poem is a tribute to all our friends who are unwell or facing difficulties in life, It is also my practice on this form of poetry. I know there will be mistakes and its not really a smooth ride, thus I humbly awaits your guidance to improve myself.
Editing stage: 

Comments

it meets basic requirements like ababcdcd etc and 14 lines
about iambic pentameter etc ask Judy please

thank you for the visit and the comment. For some reasons, struggling with this after surgey pain myself, I find myself always thinking about our Jayne.

Alid

author comment

This is an ambitious beautiful tribute. I shall come to it in an hour or so.
Thanks for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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I'll be waiting.

Alid

author comment

salam Khalid

I really like this sonnet.

I am coming with a few suggestions if I may,

First, I think the title needs to be a "A Message To A Friend" as to attract the reader more? But it works both ways I think.

*There's a problem in the tense in the first stanza that can be easily fixed.;

When life is stained with shades of grim and grey,
you find yourself, a wreck, engulfed by [in] pain.
It choked [chokes] your voice and claimed [claims] you as its prey,
the tears of rage you cried [cry] will pour like rain.

You tried [try] to crawl away to free your heart,
the one ravaged by time that stretched a mile.....the meter is a bit off here
the ONE| RA vaged| by TIME| that STRECHED| a MILE.... A suggestion

the ONE | that TIME |has RA|vaged, STRECHED| a mile

As all your hopes and dreams are torn apart,
your soul's defeat has left a taste so vile.

I LOVE your volta. It is so with uplifting spirit.

Do not despair and bowed [bow] your head in shame!
Just let your will define your strength, my friend.
Be bold, be strong, be you the burning flame,
in time you'll see the storm of grief will end.

I always pray for your return, my dear
though out of sight, in spirit you are near.[.]

An awesome closing couplet. So sincere and flows with emotions.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I think it is much better with your help. Thank you for the visit and suggestions.

Alid

author comment

Now.
Bravo, bravo, bravo.
With the exceptions of the flaws that Rula pointed out the poem is marvelously constructed. The tenses can be fixed with ease, but what makes this poem so lovely is the language. Elegant and to the point. This is easily the best of what I have read of yours.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thank you very much for the visit and the comments. Glad you liked it.

Alid

author comment

You're a much better sonnet writer than I am. But I have a few ideas to consider (unless they mess up the meter).
S-1, l-1 try changing "of" to all
S-1, L-4 change you to your
S-3,l-4 try storm of strife.
And it Goes seem as if a lot of our friends here are undergoing health problems and this poem is likely to be appreciated by all of them.......stan

thank you for the visit and contribution. Done the necessary edit.

Alid

author comment

"It chokes your voice and claims you as its prey,"

"as" means exactly like something. In other words the pain would have to physically attack you and eat you as a prey animal.
Unlikely.
However, "like" means closer to a metaphor. "A figure of speech" so to speak.
So in this instance "like" should be used.
I told you it was weird.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

done the edits.

Alid

author comment

A great sonnet Alid.
Sorry to be late, but you obviously needed very few suggestions for this

Just a thought - Wesley's comment re 'as' and 'like'
I really prefer to use 'as' - mainly because I simply dislike the word 'like ', but also because it makes the verse a metaphor rather than a simile

Just me :)
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

thanks for the visit nd the comment. Actually I was wondering if its okay to repeat "like" in the same stanza. I think I let others comment first before I decide what to do.

Alid

author comment

The vast majority of words must be repeated, but let's spread them to avoid the "image" of redundancy. Take this from a guy who has written 24,000 lines of an epic poem and counting. Trying to keep words from being used often and close to each other is hard, but I think "mildly" important. Don't go nuts with this. Sometimes the sentence simply needs to be a sentence with multiple words used.
I agree with Judyanne about using "as" simply because it sounds good. Who but an idiot like me is going to even notice it's grammatically incorrect, much less care.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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