Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

MEMORIES

The only wealth I posses
Is the memory of you
So I try not to acsess
The darkest corners I rue.

The nights with too many words
With quite 'too less' talking made
The sentences that cut like swords
The silences worst than grenades.

The only treasure that I know,
Is your being locked in warm embrace,
The ambient moans as they grow,
The fading laughter I still trace.

How can I drown this 'SHIP in the sea,
Knowing if I lost you, I lost me?

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

is not all that great and I think you can do better.
I'm wondering if the word you are really looking for, is [assess]? Maybe it is [access]?
Maybe [our] instead of your in the line, locked in warm embrace?

The rhythm and the pattern pretty good until the next to last stanza and the last two lines. The next to last stanza stumbles just a bit and I really wish that you would have finished out the stanza with another two lines. A well worn story of love. By the way, I really do like it! ~ Geezer.
.

Comments and critique are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

About the only time I do a total critique is on a poem I already like. The following is merely a suggestion which shows that this could flow a bit more smoothly with some changes here and there :
The only wealth which I posses
Is the memory of you
So I try my best not to access
The dark corners that I rue.

The nights with far too many words
With no concessions made
The sentences that cut like swords
The silences worse than hand grenades.

The only treasure that I know,
Is being locked within your warm embrace,
The ambient moans which slowly grow,
The fading laughter I still trace.

How can I drown this 'SHIP in the sea,
Knowing if I lost you, I lose me?

Now all bets are off if you meant this to be a sonnet which I suck at lol

Very poignant. I can relate to the content, having gone through a divorce in the last few years. Very well put, with words like rue and moan.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.