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Memoir

Reading your memoirs
Just reminds me that mine are not

I don't wish to remember that time nor this
I have no joyful moments
to reminisce

I just moved down the very long line
of sad people in the cue of patheticness
who were the same as me.

I don't get to sleep on silk sheets,
I'm lucky enough
if someone doesn't put a boot in my face
after finally getting to sleep
on the concrete mattress I found on Mercy road.

No tickets to the fun fair
No laughter

Not even the dogs offered closeness

I wasn't worthy of giving a pat,
they were frightened I might weaken their good fortune.

Although, I was quite like them,
just searching for scraps
from the French restaurant at the top of the road,
that closed at midnight

I've never had new shoes
I always found ones of old
with the least holes in them of course,

I guess that could be classed as a memoir?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
So in these months it's been hard for everyone I feel I am very lucky in my life.. today i've put myself in another person's shoes a " homeless person" I would really like to bring this work to life. As I think homeless people deserve a voice too. There maybe lots of typos too as I wrote it on my way to work.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

any typos and I'm not sure how you are portraying the homeless person you speak of, so I'm not about to try and correct the language. So I do think that you have done a fair job of giving the picture, but it might use a little sprucing up. ~ Geezer.
.

Come to Chat on the Darkside
every other Saturday night 8pm to ?
Bring your dark and delicious work
to show.

Hello, so the homeless person being me as I have tried to write with the main character being me. It's just compassion I hope. I had loads of typos. Now corrected. If you have any ideas for this please tell I would love this piece to be worth while

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

even on faces
parked on torn cemented roads
this poem does not erase
a line of mine
no memoirs though
you depict life
in it's worse proportions
why one can't even suppose
I am a still a fragrant rose

teddy 15

positive poems only you must compose
let all live in
HOPES

And you are! I have heard so many complaining in these months of how it's been so hard, but I know not one person who is starving, I decided to write this in compassion for those truly worse off. But of course poems come with all type subjects and this one today is mine, thank you dear lovedley...

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

Hello, Teddy,
Your poem is full of empathy, which I feel is your goal. Certainly makes me think about the priorities in this world. I agree with Geezer that it may need some tidying. Someone once told me that a poem is finished, not when you need to add anymore, but when there is no longer anything you can remove. For example, when you say that "...not even the dogs offered closeness," - that is a powerful line for me. It really sinks in and can stand alone, and for me does not need any other explanation.
This is very strong stuff.
Thank you!
L

i loved your idea about the dog line being alone although in this case i wanted to stretch it out i will aslo bare this in mind in future poems so thanks so much. i hope it reads better now as i wrote it on my phone!

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

This is brand new today, so of course I would be delighted for any input from you guy's any ideas on anything

Thank you...Teddy

author comment

I feel many of your sentences are run on (too long)
you can use line breaks(each thought a separate line)
other than that excellent work

Let your mercy spill on all those
burning hearts in hell( L.Cohen)

That's brilliant advice will do it. I cannot thank you enough.

Thank you...Teddy

author comment
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