Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Measured Steps Of The Entropy Tango

Revel in the chaos
Dance to the divine complexity of the universe
Those who don’t live at the edge
take up too much space

Who can take Nijinskiesque leaps into the cosmos
whilst hunkered at the corner of the bar?
Avoiding the other hunkerers
except to exchange abuse.
I can.

You think you need to take some mystical journey?
Find the place where humans run wild and free?
We are always on the edge
Just one little teeter in the right
or wrong
direction and all possibilities are open.

There is love and loss
Waking up next to a dead blue person
fucking each other brainless just hours before .

There is exhilaration and expectation
In a vacuum cleaner
(they cured the world of plague,
Killed more fleas than any chemical).

I’ve dragged myself from bed
Hating, loathing going to a nasty job
Then got the opportunity
To spend two frustrating hours
Helping a deaf blind man find what he needed.
I cried and cried and cried
And found the edge.

It’s always there
And it’s almost always a choice.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I took Richard and Wesley's challenge and did more work on this. Very rough draft. I know it needs more work and no-one can help me like my Neopoets.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I really like these kinds of poems, which I see as a participatory poem. You can't just read it and that's that. It forces you to live the point. The first two lines present a longing for the ultimate, an opening to full wonder.
Then I started to think of different ways those who do not live at this idealized state "takes up space"
It is not just that 'takes up space' sounds profound; but I go a lot on feeling and the poem fells heavy to me.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

thank you

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

where did you post your reading of it?
I would love to see it.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Did you post it to YouTube, Vocaroo, SoundCloud or Twitch?
What is the URL?

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

thank you, I feel honoured.
And yes, you have my permission. Though you will have to post it to YouTube or somewhere like that so others can see the link.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

read that...and liked that! ~ Gee.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

it's small but one of my favourites.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

thought provoking lines when posted using technology also gave readers of glimpse of Weirdelf
....................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

I was not in a good place. Hope to do better videos.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I tried uploading it on my I pad - seems it didn't work. :(

Excellent poem and vid. I liked the way you drew closer to the camera when reciting the last line - there was a certain cheekiness about it that betrayed a sense of humour.

This maybe a short poem but it packs a punch. :)

Thanks for sharing

Love Mand xxxx

my full name is Brian Jess Jernau Gurgeh Weirdelf Alex Machette Purcell Theratbag Tapper.
I forgot to add Cheeky [grins]

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

ta

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Chaos prevails the comedy of
supposed order, exploding it's way
into the next second.

Life itself seems to strive against the Universal Law of Entropy whilst humanity needs both Law and Chaos to survive, create and learn.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

and if you take it all too serious,
you miss all that sparkles.

I'd give it a title, you're being lazy,
name your baby.

I'd go with something like
"the comedy of clowns"
because I think it adds to the
complexity of life.

You were right, of course.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

there ya go ... woooosh!!!

...i don't think you've given enough thought to the last couple.
more energy is needed.

love you like an auction

eph x

...if you'll let me, mate exclamation mark.

and i will argue the point regarding me previous comment, oop there...

x

Revel in the chaos
Dance to the divine complexity of the universe
Tiptoe on the edge
Of all there is of space

...assuming you get what a difference a day makes
to twenty four hours from tulsa.

big kissy x

Every year we complete a reckless journey of 940 million kilometres at speeds of over 108,000kmh around the sun.
Many poets fall off the the planet.
Some of us know how to reach out and pull each other back on.

It's not just space, it's the universe.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

so what you saying question mark.

i'm intrigued.
x

come out, come out, wherever you are exclamation mark.
oh, there should be an exclamation mark after both come out's but i couldn't be arsed to write exclamation mark twice more, so i didn't put exclamation mark after them because of that fact.
sensible, eh question mark.

x

what underpants?

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

no, you're not confident enough to be cocky.

xx

Jess,
Hello, interesting poem.
It made my comfortable chair squick.
I am constantly pulling myself of the edge, trying to learn to chill from my cat.
I like the video you made, the way you move close to the camera with the last line.
My suggestion, lose your glasses, your hat, have your hair in a ponytail, open your face as much as possible and remove clutter from the background.
Cheers, yours Irene.

IRiz

But most importantly I think I should get inspired to do my videos when I am sober.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Lol, that might be tough.
I am camera shy and respect your bravery.
I am really looking forward to see more of your poem on video.

IRiz

yes, the reflection is annoying but I have to have the poem onscreen and am blind without them.

I memorised, verbatim, "Jabberwockie", "Kubla Khan" and others the first time I read them but my own poetry is cathartic. Once out it won't go back in, I just can't memorise it.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Nevermind then. It is not important after all.
Looking forward to more of your writing.

IRiz

but after several reads... I wish it was longer...i think it would be great fun for us if you explored living on the edge, from your point of view...a lot of boogie woogie to find there!

The only other thing is maybe dropping "the" and just say "revel in chaos".

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I've re-opened the case and put it in my 'Current Works' file.
It's interesting that for someone who has led such a chaotic and often dangerous life, lived in squalor and luxury but always a mess, when it comes to my writing and file-keeping on my computer I am virtually an OCD neat freak. Could be some gristle to chew on there whilst I shuffle drunkenly amongst the crowded masses between taking Nijinsky-esque leaps into the cosmos.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Please note my 'Last few words'

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

and I think I got my wish. I will need a little time on this busy weekend, but I look forward to the read..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Don't watch the vid yet. It's the old short one and didn't feel right.

I know film, you may have seen my rock videos for Midnight Oil, Icehouse and The Saints, though you are a bit young. I am just very uncomfortable on the wrong side of the camera.

Oh, and that was true, it happened, waking up like that. Of all the junkies I used with (I got clean in 1994) only one other is still alive that I know of.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

and the idea that when I read a poem there is a connection of composition, an internal logic, like in music has a key signature. To me the poem is like a free jazz piece, going off in a few directions, or an abstract expressionist collage...
I like the beginning, the title, the introduction of chaos, dancing, and living on the edge. Love the reference e to Nijinsky, continuing with the dance.and the idea of possibilities of living on the edge...
Then the confusing sexual idea (I can't know what you meant in the poem, but only after the story you mentioned in comments...that should be a poem i itself!))
then the vacuum cleaner, then the hassle of work and the gift of helping a blind person, and how it so deeply affected you...to the conclusion which affirms we have a choice (to dance in the chaos I would think)...
So I would divide the poem into sections. Each one elaborating on its theme, with the common thread somehow woven in there for a complete work. A lot of work, but the foundation is there...

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

this one interesting because it shows that charity itself can have an impact on that "edge" feeling all of us have at one time or another.

you get to the heart of meaning, few do.
Thank you.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.