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The Mask

I come to you with sword in hand

That noble cause with no recompense

a servant of the people

I am the master of my fate

from the masters wheel,

with molten steel-and sleipnir

I ride the wind

my cape flares with justice.

There are dangerous men about,

seeking to kill me

my sword drips with blood.

defender of the oppressed

Yet from the roof tops,

I caught a glimpse of you,

flaring in your beauty,

awakened my

your eyes touched me physically

I placed my sword under your pillow.

Senorita, I must flee from you in haste.

One last kiss to quench my parching thirst,

until we meet again.


Editing stage: 


a word-crafter of intelligence.
(ask around, I do not ever flatter, I am considered the harshest critic on Neopoet)

But you could use your abilities to much greater effect. Zorro, for fuck's sake? You have added nothing to the fable where there is plenty of scope to do so. Consider the tradition of the rich, privileged defending the poor ( or rich beautiful women), the political implications that neither the poor nor the maiden can defend themselves or revolt.

Although I gather from exchanges we have had on Facebook that we disagree on many things I would love to see your poetry put to better use, even if I violently disagree with it!

Whichever way, an impressive first post on Neopoet and you are most welcome. I see a promise of greater things to come.

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

Thank you Jess, I know poets rewrite a lot so I will work on your suggestion.

author comment

I was bringing out the passionate, personal side of Zorro, the man. I challenge you to inspire me with your version of Zorro in written format. ?

author comment

Firstly welcome to Neopoet, and I hope you will join in with us to create better poetry through helping each other.
Jess has said everything on this one but as an intro to you it is fine.
Now we will watch you progress through the site and watch the changes in your thoughts as we all progress.
Take care and keep writing, I look forward to your next piece, but please as we go along and write comments don't forget to answer the comments this is the way we learn more,
Yours Ian.T

There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thank you lan T,

author comment

one can wonder
what a poetsmith it,....(neopoet....
will churn out of thee

I know some don't like
thee thy and thine stuff
archaic in its own melody

an apparition of Shakespeare...
a bard some call me
not withstanding that kind of critique
I must add your poetry is resounding
an echo in the fortuitous expanse of time

a great poet
one who can chime
rhyme and yet be sublime

sheba I see the foundings in thee
or would you like it
as ye.

permit me
to be a trailer/trailing poet
also to welcome thee!

youngest poet that you claim to be

I am not the harsh critic that Jess is, but neither do I heap praise where undeserved. This is a good first entry for the site and I look forward to your next poem hoping it shows a completely different side of you.
I tend to agree with Jess that something as rich as Zorro could have given you more to stretch your poetic muscles on, but in truth it could have been drivel and you would have had me. I was in your corner with "mask".
If I have a critical comment to make it concerns punctuation. It is something of a fad for poets to write without punctuation letting the words alone guide the reader.
I disagree with this.
As a poet I will use virtually every tool at my disposal to get my point across and this includes all those little points and dashes. Also, I feel if you are going eschew punctuation you should do so completely. All in or all out.
This poem could benefit from the use of punctuation.
I hope you stay and take advantage of the learning environment here at NeoPoet. The workshops particularly are fun and informative. I am biased of course as I run some of them (please feel free to look in on Rula's and my Dramatic Verse Workshop starting tomorrow).
And don't hesitate to dive in and critique the poems posted on The Stream. Please note I said "critique" and not "comment". NeoPoet is unique among online poetry sites in that our whole purpose is to challenge one another to grow as poets and not merely feed the ego.
Again welcome.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program

Thank you,
for your advice Wesley. I am in rewrite. I appreciate you encouragement.

author comment

You have already received good comments from the likes of Jess, Ian and Wesley. I too extend a welcome to you at Neopoet. It is always a good experience to have more flavor when new folks join in. Take a look at the various workshops going around too. You way like to join some of them. Will look forward to read more of your posts.


raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you raj, I am doing rewrite now.

author comment

Indeed a gallant first effort for Neo! I was always a fan of Zorro, but alas, do not look good in a cape! LOL!! Hope you find all that you need to grow poetically here, and discover more of your inner talents!

Hi Lonnie, thank your for your warm welcome.

author comment

Such a better poem!
So glad you had the guts and tenacity to rewrite.
I like this so much more, but tell me, do you?

I am certainly looking forward to more work from you.

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

Thank you Jess, yes I do like this revision so much better. This is my second poem if you don't have anymore critiques for this one , we can move on to the next one.

author comment

depending on how much you participate in the site by offering critique to others. Remember you don't have to be an expert, you have the ear of a poet, that is clear, so just read other's works, tell them what you think, honestly.

In the mean time post as many as one a day.

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

or you purposely ignored my comment
There is an edit button here if you say
I shall remove it
By the way
I read your song

but didn't comment
as I don't like to just flatter

lovedly, yes obviously it was an oversight not replying to your comment. I have been having internet problems with my server so I do apologize. Last night was just another episode where I had some work that was lost. I don't mind flattery, who wouldn't.? I plan to read some of your work today. most of my internet problems occurs during the night hours so I plan to change my schedule a bit. Thank you, so much for your reminder. I look forward to your input. It's important to grow and have honest critique.

author comment

and thank you
you skipped my comment
so I did not again want to lament
you are a fresher here,
I know
but one who will
in leaps and bounds
surely grow.

I can't see the changes you have made.
Perhaps it is time for a new poem?

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

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