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Marissa

Her delicate eyes do twinkle in the pale sunlight
When i look into her eyes it is then I see a bright future
Filled with hope for a brighter tomorrow amidst the sorrow
She dances in a ring of fire
Yet throws off its challenge with a shrug
Always smiling cause she's happy
Likes horse & Justin Beaver
So no matter what the weather she is there
With a beautiful flower in her hair
Singing in her heart without a care
Her name is Marissa
How the fellows want to kiss her
She made her way
Out on the stage of life
A little bit of ginger & spice
The splash of everything nice
She often wrote in her pretty little diary
About the way life used to be
Getting a pop from the ice cream man
Loving her neighbor the best way she can
In time she would shine
A light of love at the beauty pageant
A real sweet heart lady & it was no accident
She would win the contest with glee
Marissa would go down making sweet history

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

that so many of your poems are on the 'Undiscovered work' list? If we don't want to be read, why post?

The reason why why so many of Esker's works were there is that he was so prolific, his work was above the level of comprehension of many readers and above all it was so complete as to require no feedback.

The reason so many of Lovedly's works are there are because they are self-indulgent, attention seeking rubbish.

You are not as good as Esker and not as bad as Lovedly but there is a reason why so much of your work is there. I invite you to make a serious self-examination and explain to us why so much of your work is there. I have some ideas but would like to hear yours before offering them.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Too many grammatical errors on my part.
I relished in the fact that I didn't supply cadence to each piece specifically.
Many of my works are hurried also and I didn't take the necessary time out to really reflect on each submission.
As an added aside I'm still a work in progress it's going to take along time to reach to pinnacles of a Pound, Frost & Hemmingway experience.
Please be patient with me thank you kindly.

Mario Vitale

author comment

on your grammar and spelling? We would be happy to give it.

Cadence is a different matter entirely. That is to do with meter, a poetic craft not spelling or grammar learning. It is also faar the most important craft in poetry.
We have run several workshops on meter, Wesley Snow ran two brilliant ones-
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/meter-workshop
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/meter-our-friend
check them out. There is also excellent information just from googling. Wikipedia has an excellent piece.

Mario, we are all works in progress, that is why we are here, I honestly suggest that you post less prolifically, post a blog saying that that you are going to post less and listen more and I promise you (and I do not use the word promise lightly) that your work will be more read and more appreciated when you listen to feedback and make revisions, acknowledging the help you have received.

Don't think for a second that I am suggesting you make all changes suggested, never do that, you must retain the integrity of your own vision, just acknowledge the suggestions and that you will think about them.

Now here is what I really think. You wrote some early poems that received acclaim and then stuck to that formula and failed to learn more. Poetry is a craft with the widest forms of technique of any known art form. There is never any end to learning.

I write this with the greatest kindness I have ever shown you because, to my disgrace I took a dislike to you. Now I am sincerely trying to help.

You have talent, skill and your work is worthy of polish and revision. Don't be a Lovedly, churning out shit in the hope of an occasional gem. Take time with your work, think about what it means and how to say it.
ok?

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

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