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Marauders
With the days
fast fading light
when all prepare to sleep
the voiceless apparitions
suddenly begin to speak
Shadow caught
in a pale moonlight
howling to
a starless night
Marauders of unspoken dream
preying upon ones fear
the veil that shrouds
subconscious mind
they rend and shred
and tear
Till they are sated
loathed and hated
these pillagers of the night
Voices take on fevered pitch
inside my head they do unhitch
the last strains of
my sanity
These voices echo
they reverberate
forcing me into this mindless state
as morning rises and the shroud
is gone
my temporary madness is forestalled
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Tue, 2018-09-18 05:53
Hello SD
great choice of words to express state of the mind ...the title is succinct for the poem..
...................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Shadowdancer3349
Tue, 2018-09-18 08:36
raj
many thanks for the read and comment
author commentRula
Tue, 2018-09-18 12:20
Hello Shadow
and a v. warm welcome to Neo. I thought this is a very expressive poem. Thanks for introducing me to the word "Marauders". I loved the wording and the internal rhymes through out also the way you've set the mood for the reader
I wasn't though sure about the word 'pillagers' . maybe you've coined it?
All in all a good job is done here.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
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Shadowdancer3349
Tue, 2018-09-18 18:44
Rula
thank you so much for your very kind words and taking the time to read my work
author commentgregwa8
Tue, 2018-09-18 17:36
a rich look at the "marauders
a rich look at the "marauders of unspoken dreams." some really great word pictures here.
Shadowdancer3349
Tue, 2018-09-18 18:45
greg
appreciate the read and kind comment
author commentEumolpus
Wed, 2018-09-19 22:44
We can follow the narrative
and understand what you are dealing with. To me the poem needs more description of these mauraders..are they like the highwaymen, on horse with dark robes like in a Hobbit movie? The images of Bald Mountain in Fantasia? Bosch like creatures? In defining in images their presence..I get a mixed messages about them as in
the voiceless apparitions
suddenly begin to speak
which is a contradiction. I'm trying to get a picture of them as a reader, just getting a lot of voices...
Also feeling the last stanza is a bit flat, the resolution seems a bit incomplete...I think there's room to make more of waking and the light of day. Coping with these demons are hard and creating a poem about them too. I think the poem as a draft has good stuff. Keep at it.
..
..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Shadowdancer3349
Thu, 2018-09-27 08:59
thank you
for your input and will do
author comment