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Many times when you break up.

Submitted by loved on Wed, 2013-12-04 21:06

Many times when you break up...and hold another’s hands …
you always recall the warmth of the first one...
who had held your hand …

but then comes a barrier in between …
his ego and mine..

His anyone can define…
but none can mine

I all along my decades of sharing knowledge…
have requested all
take a step...one at a time… lest you fall …

and most love to fall along with the ladder…
that's about all… and then make stories tall ------

no one else is interested in your tears…
as you weep alone…
no one fears as long as you smile… along with me ….

let the devil think …what he does …
but give the devil his due…
perhaps you forget a longer ego is fathomless…

you need to learn to dive deep…
in still waters
even non swimmers sweep..Clean…

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

swamp-witch

Sat, 2013-12-28 19:38

swamp-witch's picture
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Love poetry is not my forte, but I hope my thoughts help you anyway.

I think the first stanza is great. I would like to recommend a few small changes so that the stanza looks more like this:

Many times when you break up
and hold another’s hands
you always recall the warmth of the first one
who held you

The reason I think the first stanza needs this attention is because I think it's the best stanza. I think the rest of the poem doesn't really fit the feeling you created in this stanza. It is gentle, romantic, and nostalgic, but the rest seems angry. Maybe this is two separate poems? I think the first stanza could stand alone as it's own poem if you added one or two more lines that shows the significance of feeling that first person's warmth (maybe it is because they've changed you for the better or taught you how to love).

I hope you don't mind these suggestions. I don't mean to rewrite your poem or anything, I just think there's a lot more potential here if you made this two poems.

Thanks!

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loved

Sat, 2013-12-28 19:58

loved's picture

is it not a great pleasure
that you are to be welcomed
by a little unknown poet
and
you have selected a poetry
marking time in line...

I adore you
but once you read some for sure
you will find the inconsistencies
more and more
and
that alone makes me loved here
very much more by those
who come across my page
and treat my poetry
as from one off the stage
trying to rehearse in the darker valleys
or lonelier allies
an off the cuff poet loved
who?

thank you shall try to redo
but I can't promise you

loved

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