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Mama's Cry
The dark clouds to the east;
the sunshine to the west;
the gentle breeze that hardly trouble the leaves
and the barely felt drizzle;
They all remind of the day you were born;
it’s like all them weather wanted to be the one to welcome you home!
Granny say you will need protection;
grandpa say you will be burdened with four forces none meaning harm
but since they conflict your track through life will be perilous.
But you know, it’s hard for me to visualize you so troubled.
Look at you with your strong hold of my finger
I feel your great strength baby boy and mama proud!
Grandpa say it means you have
a strong spirit and it going see you thru’.
it brings joy to my heart to hear him say that;
him always make me feel this way;
but still, me heart’s so heavy
me could cry for you!
The innocence on your face hurts like a knife and;
To think of the trials and tribulations that awaits you.
The many fruitless paths that will
Present themselves attractive treks;
like the way of the street the urchin; the alcoholic; the druggie; the criminal
but you won’t make your mama cry, now will you my baby?
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Nordic cloud
Mon, 2012-03-05 07:23
the idea is good, the child learning,
I feel there is a slight pidgin English here that could be emphasised as otherwise here and there the words don't make sense, but in the other context they are fine, its only a little half hearted, the 'jargon.'
"Granny say " says?
For instance:"the gentle breeze that hardly trouble the leaves" troubleS the leaves.
"all remind of the " remind whom?
"it’s like all them weather wanted to be the one to welcome you home!" If the whole thing was in this vein it would be interesting too.
I had a go, the idea is good, the child learning, not sure about the title though.
Now I've been tough, keep writing we all want to help.
Yours Ann of Norway.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Willy
Mon, 2012-03-05 12:36
i am liking your observations
i am liking your observations Nordic cloud and have already make some changes accordingly. The one about the title had me thinking more critically about it and i have to admit you have won me over.....unfortunately i have not come up with anything suitable yet.
As for the jargon i did not want it too strong as to be reflected in her every utterance. I wanted her to be seen as a young woman from the lower class and whose command of English language, in particular its finer aspects, is limited. (Bear in mind she is in a society where English is the official language but not the first. Without a good education this is how she would speak generally).
Appreciated the comments
always willy
author commentwesley snow
Mon, 2012-03-05 12:29
I agree with Nordic Cloud.
Some of the English appears as if they were typographical errors.
Personally, I think the poem is strong enough to support a broader dialect. It is so subtle in places it reads as a mistake. I would go for it.
Otherwise, the language is compelling. There is much here that is artful.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Cloudthings
Mon, 2012-03-19 23:14
Love the sentiment & the strength here.
I particularly enjoyed the earlierparts of this writing, there was a very wonderful earthiness & flow, later I lost this a little, that may have been my focus fading though, you will know yourself anyway.
Love the sentiment & the strength here.
Cheers
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
Willy
Tue, 2012-03-20 11:49
Hi Cloudthings,
Hi Cloudthings,
i so much appreciate you taking time out to read and comment on my piece.........the earthiness you mentioned is precisely the sentiments i wanted to capture........
Much love
Willy
author commentNordic cloud
Wed, 2012-03-21 06:21
Just for fun here
Christina Dodwell " In Papua New Guinea."
Language: Story of the crucifixion:
Ol i nail im Jesus long kros, im, i die, na ol plant im bodi daun bilo long groun, e die, tasol un i no die finis, bye i kum up wan taim moa, long luk im long yu mi.
(They nailed Jesus on the cross, he died and they buried his body underground. He didn't die completely. he will come up one more time, to look at you and me)
One can be different! :) Nordic cloud.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Willy
Wed, 2012-03-21 08:51
hi Nordic cloud,
hi Nordic cloud,
once the propose works are seen and godly i am for it.
always
willy
author commentWilly
Wed, 2012-03-21 08:51
hi Nordic cloud,
hi Nordic cloud,
once the propose works are seen and godly i am for it.
always
willy
author commentWilly
Wed, 2012-03-21 08:51
hi Nordic cloud,
hi Nordic cloud,
once the propose works are seen and godly i am for it.
always
willy
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