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Maid Of "The Many Rivers" (by: eddy styx)

Maid Of "The Many Rivers" (by: eddy styx)

little maid
of "The Many Rivers"
bare feet in
the morning dew.
I see your shivers
little maiden
of the "Many Rivers"
out to gather flowers
you find the yellow
buttercup in the
green grassy bowers.
you are sweet and pure
as you scoop up the hours.
I notice your happy smiles
pure as virgin snow,
without a woman's whiles.
I visited your wild sister,
living in town on her own.
on her like winds of a twister
in many pieces she rests,
evidently violent was her death
never should she have
invited me inside.
condolences I wish
for she who cried.
you stay sweet
as you are
for your sake
I shall retreat
and leave you
pristeen and unharmed!

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

There seems to be a skip in the narrative
between "living in town on her own" and
"on her like winds of a twister". Also it is a little unclear
"in many pieces she rests". I think that you copied and pasted
or cut and pasted from notebook and missed a couple of lines? ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I did cut & paste from notebook. I will work on it. have you any suggestions for me? thanks.

ever, eddy

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

the potential here. I have been really busy the last couple of days and not doing so good breathing-wise 'cause of the humidity, but I will set down tonight and give it some thought if you want me to. Hugs from the boys and Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

your suggestions are always worth hearing!

*hugs, Cat
ever eddy

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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