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Maggie
Does she exude that air of classic poise
and do you long to gaze at her for hours?
Does her deportment seem more like a boy’s
than one of those intoxicating flowers?
She won’t enslave with feminine sweet powers;
her gangly limbs are not a sight to see,
yet there’s a special part of her that towers
as all who come to know her soon agree.
That something of her spirit bright and free,
soft smile which plays its music on her face;
a warm and kindly heart imparting glee,
dispelling life’s concerns without a trace.
With Maggie nothing’s truly out of place
for she is touched inside with godlike grace.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
United Kingdom (Scotland)
Favorite Poets
Robert Burns, Robert Lewis Stevenson, Kipling., I like things childish.
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Comments
Geezer
Sun, 2016-12-11 10:31
Firstly...
I thought that your rhyming was really good. The flow could be a little bit better, but that would entail making a few adjustments to some lines to make the syllable count better. None the less, a good work that says much about your feelings for Maggie. Nice! ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Keith Logan
Sun, 2016-12-11 13:57
Examples please
The poem may yet be worked on.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2016-12-12 18:32
This the way...
I would have written these lines. Just my opinion, and maybe I'm all wrong.
"Does she exude that air of poise
and could you gaze at her for hours?
Is her deportment more like a boy's
than one of those exotic flowers?"
Sometimes, using two and three syllable words makes the flow seem stilted. Just my personal taste, but I think that the more [sing-song] cadence lends a better rhythm. I stand by my statement of the emotion I felt you showed. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Keith Logan
Mon, 2016-12-12 23:42
This seems minimalist
and unfortunately removes adjectives that are by no stretch of the imagination mere fillers. Indeed I would go so far as to say that in my opinion it rips the very heart out of the poem. I'm sorry if you don't agree but I have to be true to the integrity of the write.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
author commentK William
Sat, 2017-02-25 20:29
1
1
Keith Logan
Tue, 2017-02-21 20:22
It is written as a sonnet
there are strict rules governing the number of lines, beats to the line and structure of the postulation and counter-point followed by a summation/ final argument.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
author commentKeith Logan
Wed, 2017-02-22 23:12
Maybe
K William, maybe I should have listened to Geezer's advice but then it would no longer be a sonnet.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
author commentKeith Logan
Thu, 2017-02-23 16:04
Thank you
I am heartened that my humble effort has been appreciated. It is always a great thing to be given critical advice but there is nothing in the world to outdo the satisfaction one feels when a poem connects with the reader.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
author commentKeith Logan
Thu, 2017-02-23 16:09
There are few things like losing a friend
I am very sorry to hear that once again someone I care about has undergone this trauma. Personally I have so few real friends I treasure them all.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
author commentKeith Logan
Tue, 2017-03-21 09:56
Hi Audri
To make things clear, I have not seen the lass since I retired a couple of decades ago. There is no hint (I hope) of amour, she was always popular with male and female alike because of her bubbly nature. She was both younger and healthier than me, so I have no reason to believe she is not well still.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
author commentlovedly
Tue, 2017-03-21 08:08
Dear poet Keith
and
you said you are not much of a poet
I think you are a sound poet
I only know basics of poetry- sonnet
ababcdcdefef gg =14 lines
and
about syllables I don't care much
as long as your sonnet is sound worthy
which this one is
Sir
you are a real poet
believe me
more than many
Keith Logan
Tue, 2017-03-21 10:07
Hi Lovedly
I'm with you. I don't count either, taking the attitude, if it sounds alright it can't be far wrong.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
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