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A maestro is born...Reviewed kind courtesy expert poets

As sunset merged into dusk
under musical vibrations
of the moon
as witnessed by starlight
in its nascent form

a couple pranced around in circles...
upon the surf’s euphonic music
into oceanic depths,
boundless, fathoms….
a seed had been implanted ….

a flower through requisite moments,
transformed the genes
into a pretty form

as the midnight chimed into eternity
beyond the limitless folds of time
ere the aurora,
the twilight emerged
as a magnificent dawn
a maestro was born.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

i like the word connections
some good jumps
nascent form my fave line
been to the oceans and swam
in rivers and have a child
so i can relate to the magical
mystic of this write...

thank you..

I ought to be more serious a poet
so I tried
in imagination
we live
and in hope we practice
some day some one will pick me

like I picked up a lottery
from a garbage bin
called Time

and emerged as a half-baked poet

loved

author comment

Well there it is a beaut poem, I hope this is the tip of the poet berge.
Loved the action and pictures it portrayed, young Bard, wait till others read!!!!!
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

and
if Jess is able to condemn it...
Serendipity has to comment as well
yet

loved

author comment

Hello loved,
really beautiful this one ;)

I like this most
'' the twilight emerged
as a magnificent dawn …''

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

Emina ,,,this is your maiden comment here

loved

author comment

Emina is a maiden if you hadn't noticed lol.
What about replying to little ole me then.
U asked Jess to comment on this one I hope he gets an answer lol
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

especially from you as you seem to include a plea/whine for people to read your poems in just about every comment you make on every poem or topic. (I do take requests for critique by PM). Anyhoo, here goes...

For starters, please lose all those elipses (....) they are unnecessary.
Here is my reading of it.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0U7LFX3K9Ov

I am delighted that you have made an effort to write lucidly and with strong prosodic content. Yes. I like it, very much.

The poem's major flaws are the redundancies.
as witnessed by natural starlight, [starlight is natural]
A lovely couple did prank around in circles
A lovely couple pranked around in circles [scans better and reads more naturally]
transformed the genes into a beautiful form [oh Loved! There is always, always a better word than beautiful]
as the midnight chimed into endless eternity [eternity is endless]
beyond the limitless folds of time [already said endless and eternity, limitless makes a triple redundancy!]
a great immortal maestro was born [immortal, a quadruple redundancy! oh my.]

Ok, those are my crits along with the fact that I think this is a substantial poem that could be very good with some editing.

ok?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I should have posted it
then sent for your approval
for which I still
so far awaited

totally a blunder on my part
how can I ever
from my sole master depart

you may,
as your level is above the clouds,
I lie in the valleys down below
covered by snow

but from the no poet level
now all poets love do bestow,

I'd like all guys and gals to know
Jess played a great part in my learning
as also themoonman
calling me a donkey

loved

author comment

I shall redo all this... once jess does come in
In the meantime
my continued thanks
Beau and Regards
especially for you today

loved

author comment

Jess has been in now there are a few things to tidy up and polish this work.
It taught me one thing that:- please lose all those ellipses (....)
Now I know what not to do, also what Ellipses are...
Take care young Bard and this is one of your best pieces I have read for a while, told you so, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I shall now wash it all up
and redress it in a costume of love ,
losing all ellipses,
i thought parenthesis
you clarify it too
wait to see the christening
of a maestro anew...
needless to say a big thank you to you.

Why has Serendipity not read it?

loved

author comment

A maestro is born

As sunset merged into dusk
under musical vibrations
of the moon
as witnessed by starlight
in its nascent form

a couple pranced around in circles...
upon the surf’s euphonic music
into oceanic depths,
boundless, fathoms….
a seed had been implanted ….

a flower through requisite moments,
transformed the genes
into a pretty form

as the midnight chimed into eternity
beyond the limitless folds of time
ere the aurora,
the twilight emerged
as a magnificent dawn
a maestro was born.

loved

author comment

Stanza 2 needs attention for what Jess said, then you can edit your piece, just copy this one delete the old one out and paste this new work,
Yours Ian.T
PS:- you have still left the ....at the end of the lines ????? this is the thing Jess spoke of ??

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

is it better see beaus advice also

loved

author comment

A maestro is born

As sunset merged into dusk
under musical vibrations
of the moon
as witnessed by starlight
in its nascent form,

a couple
pranced around in circles
upon the surf’s
euphoric violin
into oceanic depths
boundless fathoms

a seed had been implanted.

A flower
through requisite moments
transformed the genes
into a pretty form.

As the midnight chimed
into eternity beyond
the limitless folds of time
ere the aurora,

the twilight emerged
as a magnificent dawn,

a maestro was born.

I think this form is quite right for this kind of a poem
loved you tell me what you think about this
perhaps it's not your style
but just think about the rhythm this form has
;)

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

oooooh it's not the same ....it's because of the site!

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

but what are your views
on my revised one
that alone matters
at this moment

loved

author comment

well it's beautiful poem but the form is not and
I would change only a couple of words
I've already said I like it ;)

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

see
I know not much of poetic nuance
to me its a nuisance
so I compose
FREE VERSE only
each kid is different
I've never had twins

loved

author comment

even free verse is a form that's the point loved
took me years to realize that

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

at times ignorance is
B L I S S

loved

author comment

Sorry to be late but I had a death in the family and its taken up all my time, I think you have already received some awesome advice above.

I knew you had it in you to write something amazing and that's what I think this poem is

beautifully amazing, there are so many lines I truly love

I will come back Monday night after the funeral etc and go over it thoroughly and see if I cant come up with any more suggestions for you

Bravo Maestro cant wait to read your next effort

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Hope the departed one... rests in peace.

This work is attributed to you
as you were the inspiration

loved

author comment

Hi loved,
I enjoyed your work, the truth, and the mythology behind it. That being said, I think you lose a lot in attempts to be "arch-poetic". As much as I love the Romantics and Symbolists, referencing back to that style takes much of the raw power and grit from this work. READ, READ, and READ all the poetry you can get your hands on. Then you can bring your imagination and passions to us without the gauzy separation of overly-flowery language.

Thanks,
Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Let the guillotine do
what it has to,
whose hands
it doesn’t matter

thanks for an impartial view
I adore you

loved

author comment

Definitely one of your better poems. Since you asked for my ideas I'll suggest some "right word" changes (shameless promo for the shop lol)
Stanza 2, l-1 pranced? sounds kike 2 horses. I'd suggest a dance term such as waltzed or pioretted(did I spell that right?)
Stanza 2, l-4 delete the comma
Stanza 3, l-3 instead of pretty try fair. A bit more poetic and also adds alliteration
Stanza 4,l-5 change a to at
Just some alternative for you to consider........................stan

once i return from my snow walk
safe and sound
Stan the only man

loved

author comment

fresh feather maestro

As sunset merged into dusk
under musical vibrations
of the moon
as witnessed by starlight
in its nascent form

a couple pirouitted around in circles...
upon the surf’s euphonic music
into oceanic depths,
boundless, fathoms
a seed had been implanted ….

a flower through requisite moments,
transformed the genes
into a fair form

as the midnight chimed into eternity
beyond the limitless folds of time
ere the aurora,
the twilight emerged
at a magnificent dawn
a maestro was born.

loved

author comment

just said
all others are being just kind
to me
even if all my poetry is ballish...

my signature this

''Let the guillotine do
what it has to,
whose hands
it doesn’t matter''
loved

loved

author comment

Sorry put a comment on here for another poem, its an age thing LOL, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

epicurial
What are ur views
you haven't staked yet
this has been revised in terms of Stan's views
how does this one now fare

loved

author comment

Like the imagery here,
you have enjoyed writing this I think.

Ann.

P.S.
I don't write for anyone but me,
in a way,
not intending a specific audience,
not guided to create something particularly,
or good or bad, just expressing myself,
not expecting anything to come of it.
Just enjoying playing a chess of words,
always different,
and yet similar in that they come from the same mind.
Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

me,
beyond all realms of my imagination .

This was a challenge thrown by Jayne --Serendipity .
She has had a loss
and
so I await her comments ..
To sum up this maestronic event..
i bow to all of you
for your patience

loved

author comment

Magical. Congratulations.

Joe

from you
is more magical that's true
and so I thank you

loved

author comment

Now you can see by the comments above that you are capable of poetry that touches so many readers.
It was something in the way you have been writing where as Jess use to say it is worth the wait to read this type of work from your pen.
I hope we see many more of these pieces,
Yours as always Ian.T
PS:- look how many comments there are ?????

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Jess the beholder
and
themoonman ..the scolder
and
Jayne the inspirateur

who love loved now more ,
than ever before
may be some day
there will be more
in store

loved

author comment

I'm sorry - i see that you aspire to "proper" poetry too now and all i can do is commend you for being so open and seeking out advice here. Personally I find this a little over worked and florid, the imagery rather melodramatic in a Catherine Cookson sort of way and the language unnatural both to you and modern poetry. This effort seems to draw on romanticism rather deeply and cloys as I read it. A maestro is born from the conjugation of two people on the sea shore? Please. How long have you been writing. Surely you have just begun and are i the early stage of development. If i was a teacher and a child of say 15 came to me with it I would avoid her for the rest of the term and then move schools.
From reading just two of your poems it seems to me that you're drawn to romanticism and "love " poetry, if so then may I recommend just one immortal collection by Charles Baudelaire " Les Fleurs du Mal ". In it Baudelaire raises love poetry to and beyond anything Shakespeare achieved in his sonnets. As for your fellow commentators here perhaps Weirdelf has something constructive to add other than that it seems that many are simply being nice to you. Would you like me to be nice too?

Jimm

drugged are you??
i have removed you from my list
but will still read you when ever
you are just another condemner

u seem to be the .........................ONLY ONE OF A...your own KIND

I must you remind
get over with tom foolery
all here are classic poets
first study their vocabulary.....

As for your fellow commentators here perhaps??? ...DO YOU KNOW HE IS FOUNDER OF POETS

Weirdelf ;;;;;;;;has something constructive to add

other than that it seems that many are ....simply being nice to you.

HOW KIND OF THEM.......

Would you like me to be nice too?

NO not at all you have your own limitations
but get treatment

you have just your life begun
I have seen a million dawns
so go out elsewhere
and have some fun

loved

author comment

Jimm's critique was valid and honest, more so than mine, and in many ways more constructive.
We all got a bit excited because this was your first attempt ever to write thoughtful, considered, structured poetry instead of your daily vague and often incoherent ramblings.

Do not remove Jimm from your list. I have gone soft and you need someone like this for a reality check. Really.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

is my command ,
grateful
for the truth ought not be hidden
and
flatters must be excused
I have not known this newbe

loved

author comment

we will learn more.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

.

loved

author comment

Jess, I may be missing something, ,but I don't share your point of view, We all come to a poem with a different aesthetique, each as valid as the other.. And there is nothing personal involved. I felt this way before I read his comments. Too prosaic, wordy, and uninteresting, Cookie -cutter poetry. So, who is right?

Hi loved,
In my earlier critique, I stated honestly that I felt you were drawing from the British Romantics and the French Symbolists movements to your detriment. This was later stated by Billy. Neither was a falling guillotine. I agree with the recommendation of Baudelaire's "Les Fleurs du Mal " and I would add Rimbaud's collected works also. I can't speak for anyone else's reasoning as to what their critiques of this piece may have intended, but I was suggesting being closer to your heart and perhaps making a conscious attempt to be concise and less flowery.

In a college poetry class with a very dear teacher and guru, I was given the following critique:

""I fall upon the thorns of life and bleed" will only get you so far, the more modern way to approach this would be to talk openly about the embarrassment of having your friends pick the thorns out of your ass".

I followed her advice, and went into a fruitful period of writing that allowed more than melodrama, in fact, some real emotion was possible once I stopped trying to be Shelley or Coleridge. It's not the content that is problematic here; It is the early 1800s "trumpet of a prophet" tone that you employ that distracts from the meaning. This is no guillotine falling, it's just a bit of advice from someone who has read a LOT of poetry. I feel it will be all the more difficult to let your true voice emerge if you continue relying on the "bard" persona and subsequent style. Read something blunt. Read Bukowski, Randall Jarrell, Philip Larkin, or Ai (Ogawa). It could open new worlds of expression for you.

Ron
BlueDemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

I shall try to understand
what you all want to convey
but so differently.

Do you really view
a trace of an element
of a could be poet in me

A great poetess I know
This was my advice to her..

''''you can never be a charity
nor a second hand one
to any one
a poet of class
is born just once...'''

loved

author comment

please read below on your message to me
thanks

loved

author comment

Wow! The imagery in this is creative and beautiful. You must be very proud of this one Loved - it is a poem worthy of great applause.

LOve Mand xxxxx

How happy I am
seeing the best poets here
who have taken time off
to read this challenge piece.

except for Stan of course
busy man he

loved

author comment

guess you overlooked that I Did comment on this lol. Reckon I got lost in the crowd........stan

you can drop a bomb
at me
blast
I will go
no more such errors from me
my apologies
lovedly

loved

author comment

We all make mistakes, that's part of being human........stan

some ask me
whether I am alien
Hahahaha

loved

author comment

It seems that you have stepped into another zone...you have already received good comments...it was a pleasure to read this one...I am sure you too must have had a great experience after writing this...

raj (sublime_ocean)

I was wondering .............
why u never read and comment on my poems
glad u came
don't let any one pull u down
ur a great poet
you come after long breaks
are you a busy guy

this one was composed as a challenge
but the lady hasn't been able to comment yet
as she is having bad times
wish her the best

Yes many have liked it
so I have become a poet
a Neopoet
hahahahhha
tc nice knowing u

loved

author comment

all top notchers they
so I have to bow to all
Neopoets today

loved

author comment
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