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MADRUGADAS-second English version added for critique

Submitted by Geremia on Thu, 2012-08-02 21:23

MADRUGADA

Soy tu madrugada
fuego ardiente en el horizonte
rojo brillando pasion
quemando promesas perdidas
en el decir
palabras mutas que matan
en el oír
soy tu puesta de sol
tu comienzo. tu fin.

DAWN

I am your dawn
fire shining in the horizon
red burning passion brightly
and promises lost in their saying
mute words that kill in their hearing.
I am twilight
Your beginning. Your end.

SECOND ENGLISH VERSION

DAWN
I am the break of day
twilight
crimson red
burning
morning haze.

I am the setting sun
rays
of golden hue
bleeding into
skies
blue - indigo

I was the dawn
fire
light..

I am the dying sun
the end
of all beginnings
day fading
into oblivion

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-08-03 16:34

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that I never get jealous of other poets. That was not quite true. I get jealous of you.

Oh the beauty of that language, without understanding a word! I've felt it reading in Greek, Spanish and several other languages. I feel retarded being monolingual.

The translation is... well, you know what I'm going to say, a fiery but not terribly original love poem. Yet I applaud you for taking the risk. Many do it much worse.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Geremia

Fri, 2012-08-03 17:57

Geremia's picture

I always appreciate your honesty-. Yes, the Spanisih is much more than the English translation. I see now that I need to re work that.It has to be equal to the "castillano."

Joe

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-08-03 22:14

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the second version has the sparsity that adds elegance, without losing passion

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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