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The Mad Fruit-fly of Seville...

Frank stumbled through the fibers
He fell upon his ass
Still half-stoned on rotten fruit
Lungs filled with smoke from grass

He was thinking to himself
Maybe he should sober up
Crawling on the carpet
Drinking from a paper-cup

Nah, said Frankie Fruit-fly
Let's ride this baby out
I'm riding in a Caddy!
He gave a drunken shout

Now, he looks out of the window
Sees the brightly lit up town
This guy has real good shit, it seems
I guess I'll hang around

There's a spider underneath the seat
But he's too stoned to see
I'll stay away from him tonight
Don't want to test his munchies

Bruce wonders what the hell goes on
In the black old Cadillac back
Frank just breathes real deep again
Too excited to hit the sack

Never was up this late
I'm a daytime guy
But this is such exciting stuff
I've got neon in my eyes!

Now, through the open window
The smell of rotten fruit
She flew up to the car and smiled
He smoothed his shabby suit

Come on in here, girlie
We're about to take a ride
She says; We're here in Vegas
I could be your bride!

Why not, you little darlin'?
We won't live out the week
We may as well get to it
He grabs her by the cheek

So they had a grand old time
In Las Vegas every night
They ate rotten fruit and romanced
Out of the spider's sight

Too soon, the trip was over
Frankie passed away in style
As she laid her eggs in an apple core
She thought of Frank's last smile

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
This was inspired by an idea of my oldest son during a telephone conversation. Thanks to some good criticism, I think I've got a good poem here.
Editing stage: 

Comments

And what a poem. I mean that in all sincerity, I've got a special kind of respect for those who can write in rhyme and make it work. My only critique would be to perhaps come back to it at a later date (once familiarity has worn off), and try reading it aloud a few times through again, as a few lines just seem to jar the flow ever so slightly. That being said, I adore the characterisations (personas?) you've built up in this piece. Frank reminds me a lot of Kerouac's auto-biographical character (the name escapes me right now) from his book "On the Road." You've built up a real sense of charming doggedness. Plus, the poem itself was, of sorts, a journey. You took me somewhere else, and showed me the energy of that place, and did so in a manner that had me thankful to have experienced it. Fantastic read, look forward to reading more of your stuff in the future.

Nicholas.

Thanks for the glowing review! I find that sometimes a theme or scenario will just take off on it's own once I start. Like a lot of them, this one took off and it went it's own way. I had much fun with this one! I will, as you say, go back and look at it [after the newness wears off]. I've never been to "Vegas" but I thought that I could paint a fair picture after hearing stories of people that have and seeing a few movies. I'm glad that you enjoyed the trip. ~ Geezer.
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and went back to make a few changes. I hope that it has a better rhythm now. ~ Geezer
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I enjoyed the way the poem is been constructed, the rhyme, i have no other expression to fit for this work than wonderful
nice one Geezer

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

Although I do occasionally write in other forms, rhyme is my first love. I find that having a rhythm makes it easy to go with the flow and it spawns ideas as I write. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geezer

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I guess I'm just dense but i can't figure out how much of this is hallucinations and how much is reality and the last stanza didn't clarify it much for me. But the story was entertaining and the rhymes pretty much spot on so that alone makes for a good poem. Besides, most people with a brain likely Did figure it out lol.....stan

just a story after all, I think... You never know in Vegas! I'm glad you like the story and the rhyme, it was fun and I had a good time with Frankie. ~ Gee.
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I for one really enjoyed the ride, excellent. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

I'm so glad that it came out the way it did, even though it wasn't supposed to. Huh?
Yeah, when I started this one, it was supposed to go in a totally different direction. Like some of my work does, it just got away from me! It came about as the result of a conversation between myself and my oldest boy. He raises fruit-flies for the Venus flytraps that he also raises and I was wondering if they got drunk on the fermented fruits that he feeds them! lol From there to what you see. ~ Gee.
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I haven't been to Las Vegas
but I heard a joke
Mom asked her gal
sweetie where have you been last night
she said
I went to Lost Vegas
You mean Las Vegas
no mom
I lost it there!!!!

and ..in such beautiful poetry
coming from sophisticated guys like us
we may like to avoid
ass,shit ,poo and pussy..cu*** etc
I feel maybe nearing 79
I may be outdated
lol as per
friend
stan

have a bit of a problem with my newest one then! Lol. I'm glad that you like the rhyme. You should try it. I know that it would give you a different depth. It's not all that hard. Try thinking of it as a song.
~ Gee.
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I did earlier
appeared monotonous
I Iove Freestyle
slang ok....

What a story! The verses flowed well together. You have such a great way with rhyme and verse.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I had a good time with this one! ~ Gee.
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