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LYING IN THE FOREST.

Lying in the forest
Without a breeze around
The pine needles sing
High up in the crown
As I wonder up in heaven
If this is how it sounds
As pine needles fall
Silently to the ground.

A small cloud appears
Lost in blue surrounds
It slowly disappears
The sun's going down
Shadows swim in colours
As into darkness drowns
The last light of hope
A bird it circles round.

Death the blessing be
Here never to be found
Dying in the forest
Free no longer bound.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I cannot and will not read a piece that is ALL CAPS!!! I believe I have already told you this on your first posting. again, welcome to Neopoet. join in on the fun and companionship.

* Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thanks Cat, I have changed it. you are right, its so much better on the eye. Thanks for the advice. Regards Chris.

author comment

It's a good piece, and thank you for joining up here on Neopoet. We are an international group, and opinions on poems come from all over the world. kinda nice that way, in my opinion.

I have to agree that all-caps is a bit strong. I would aslo suggest you group the piece in some stanzas; this make it more graspable for your readers. maybe some more use of commas would be helpful.

For example:

LYING IN THE FOREST.
WITHOUT A BREEZE AROUND.
THE PINE NEEDLES SING.
HIGH UP IN THE CROWN.

AS I WONDER UP IN HEAVEN.
IF THIS IS HOW IT SOUNDS.
AS PINE NEEDLES FALL.
SILENTLY TO THE GROUND.

A SMALL CLOUD APPEARS.
LOST IN BLUE SURROUNDS.
IT SLOWLY DISAPPEARS.
THE SUN's GOING DOWN. [I added an apostrophe for you]

SHADOWS SWIM IN COLOURS.
AS INTO DARKNESS DROWNS.
THE LAST LIGHT OF OF HOPE.
A BIRD IT CIRCLES ROUND.

DEATH, THE BLESSING BE.
HERE NEVER TO BE FOUND.
DYING IN THE FOREST.
FREE, NO LONGER BOUND.

looking forward to reading more of your work! Ray

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Thank Ray. I did not have very much schooling as our father left us when I was very young and mum was in hospital for a long time as she tried to kill herself twice. I had to leave school early to get a job and look after my younger sister. I do appreciate you help and advice, it helps a lot. I don't read books because I struggle, that's why I try and write to improve my spelling and grammar.

author comment

But again, all caps is not a good idea, as you can see from one of the earlier posts on this poem.
Ray is correct on all counts, particularly concerning the structure. The stanzas add impact, focus, and depth of meaning.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thanks. I will try. English was something I was never good at. I wish it was as I love books but sadly don't read them as I find it very difficult to remember because of my strokes. Thanks again, it makes me try harder.

author comment

It's cool. I have had sundry medical and health problems myself, as I get older. Happens to all of us.
Poetry will help your mental acuity. It allows one to remember things more easily, and is often used as part of a holistic, alternative treatment for mental deficits brought on by strokes and diseases of the brain.

For this poem, I would suggest that you edit it, and just remove the caps, for now. You will see then that it's focus and impact will be much better.

And Christopher? I would suggest, given the quality and potential of this poem, that you have been selling yourself short, when you say that English is not your strong point.
By definition, decent poetry requires a certain level of skill in English, a skill that you most obviously have.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thanks Race. I still have a lot to learn.

author comment

if you need glasses, get them! ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Thanks Geeza for your advice. I'm just a novice.

author comment

some reason why you must write in all CAPS, please tell us. also, you don't seem willing to take suggestions. why is that? we at Neopoet help each other to become better poets, through comment and critique. Neopoet is a community not just some place to drop your poetry and run.try Reciprocity.

Always, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thanks, i'm only new to this. I have had 3 stokes and lost a little bit of vision and have heart problems, i'm only 59. Most mornings i'm surprised i made it through another night. i have had to sell most of my things for treatment and medication. Sometimes I can't afford them or food so i go without. I don't have a computer and can only get access to social media at the library. I have a 13 year old daughter and support my friend who has a mental illness, so it isn't easy. My schooling didn't go far so i use the poetry to try and improve myself. Its all good thought, i have had a good life and i'm happy. Thanks Chris

author comment

I'm so sorry to read about your bad luck with both health and finances. many people are having difficulty in many aspects of their lives. it seems like another depression of some sort. I'm happy to read that you have a daughter. she must be a great comfort to you. I'll light a candle wishing for improved health. all the best to you.

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thanks. you are right, im just being lazy, I shouldn't use caps.
Its harder to read and dosen't do any honour to the poem.

author comment

Once i got past the all caps and such I liked this poem. I expect a lot of people would prefer going out in a forest instead of a sterile hospital

Thanks Scribbler. I'm afraid i have only ever read two books in my life so my spelling is terrible. That's mostly why i write to try and improve myself.

author comment

Sorry, I have had three strokes and memory loss and heart problems, im only 59. I just find it easier to use capitals but i understand your point. My schooling didn't go very far so i try to improve myself by writing poems. Most mornings i'm happy to just wake up. I have had to sell most of my things for treatment so i don't have regular access to any media and sometimes cant afford food or my medication. All good, i will try and remember. Sorry if i don't get back to anyone. Chris.

author comment

If you're having problems reading stuff, there are a couple of ways to help with this.
On Neopoet, we have a text size window, currently on the right-hand side. Scroll down the page to it, and you can use it to increase and decrease the size of the text that you see in Neopoet.
Windows also has a magnifying glass, and a Narrator, that you can use to see text more easily, and have text read back to you, by Windows. Click on START, then scroll down and click on SETTINGS, then click on Ease of Access.
Hope this helps.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Race,

you are an angel!!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thanks Race. Regards Chris.

author comment

I came back for another read...I really like these lines:

Death the blessing be
Here never to be found
Dying in the forest
Free no longer bound.

and I like your style of writing it is most lyrical!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thanks Cat. The poem is mostly about victims who were kidnapped and murdered by a evil serial killer called Ivan Millat who tortured and murdered his victims in a forest, Belanglo Forest in New South Wales, Australia. It reflects I guess their last moments before relief in dying.

author comment

Great improvement. Not having caps gives this poem a quality of silence and quiet anticipation that is very good.
Rhyming's not bad, either.
Good stuff man, keep it coming.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thanks Race, you're right. It's so much easier on the eyes. Regards Chris.

author comment
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